Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is my dad's birthday...I took him to the airport. He goes to North Carolina every year for his birthday. The last time that I saw him was May 2008 when I was unemployed and I needed to borrow money. So for his birthday present, I finally paid him back, and took him to the airport. It feels very strange when I'm around him now. Because we haven't been apart of each other's lives for a long time. Its not any one's fault in particular, we just fell out of touch. I stopped calling and he stopped calling. When my parents separated in 1996, I went to live with my mom, and after their divorce and custody battles, my mom received full custody. My dad was angry and upset, because of how my mom left him. I was hurt too. I was still young and very much a daddy's girl. His anger towards my mom affected our relationship as well. He was so hurt, that he just moved away. He lived up North and in North Carolina for a while. I didn't see him again until high school.

People think that fathers need to be there when little girls are young, to show them proper love from a man. Its essential for fathers to be apart of young ladies lives for their entire life. The abandonment and the hurt is still there, whether the child is 5, 15 or 25. It doesn't matter. I wish our relationship wasn't the way it is now, I want a relationship with him, but I feel like its too late. It is so hard to just pick up from what, when I was 11. We've talked about this before too...when he left, due to his anger he ruined our relationship as well. I know that I can never get that time back. Daughters need their fathers throughout their whole lives, and don't ever think differently.

And now, when my boyfriend and I talk about marriage plans, I want my father there. I don't want him to not be there. But he knows nothing of my relationship. He barely knows me. I try to tell him everything, but its hard to cram a whole year or two in to random conversations. I really want to wipe the slate clean, and start over again. But I know it won't be easy. I sort of feel like he just wants me to make the first move. To call him and to try to see him, because he gave up a long time ago. And now that I am almost 25, he doesn't feel like I need him in my life. But I do.

I've reached the point where I can't cry about the situation anymore, but I am willing to do whatever I need to do, to make it right. I just would like some sort of cooperation as well.

So, 2 years ago, I started Dear Daddy. Dear Daddy is basically letters written to people's fathers. Originally, it was too hard for me to talk to him, so I would write him letters, explaining how I felt, and how much I was hurt. I focused so much on the pain...those letters took most of my pain away. It was very therapeutic. Then I started thinking about my friends, many of us have daddy issues. Many women, especially black women have daddy issues too. Its hard! Its really hard. I went out to all my friends through e-mail, and asked them to write letters to their daddies. I wanted them to submit a Dear Daddy letter...whether or not they wanted to thank their fathers, or tell them how they felt. The relationship didn't have to be negative, just whatever you wanted to tell him. And then, I thought bigger! I reached out to members of my family, young and old, and asked them to write letters to their fathers. My younger cousins to my grandmother. Whatever they want to tell their fathers, just get it out! Don't hold back, life is too short. But then, I thought....wait this needs to go bigger, wider...well, that is when I had to stop.

Due to my PR job, and the demanding time...my 11 hour days, I couldn't focus anymore on the letters, and I couldn't follow up with people. But now I want to again. I think it would make a great book of published letters. My ideas are copy written and so are my letters and my friend's letters...so don't try to steal my idea, or you will get sued. :)

But I wanted to start a Dear Daddy Letter foundation....For all the soldiers who have died in battle, and their children who may never know them. Or even for the soldiers that are still alive, they can read their children's letters to them in a published book. I'm still working out the kinks...but I don't want my problem with my father to be the end all. I know I am not alone. There are many women and men who have things to say to their fathers that they were never able to say. If you would like more information, send me a message or an e-mail to: jb.roughdraft@gmail.com

~ JB

Valentine's Day

We spent Valentine's weekend in San Francisco. It was his first time and my second time visiting. We had fun, it was cold and raining and our plane was delayed 3 hours. But other than that, we got to see the sights, and we just walked around in the cold and in the rain. On Sunday it started pouring, and it didn't stop. My shoes were soaking wet and my socks were soaking through. His pants were drenched. All we could do was laugh. I got sick after wards, but it was worth it. The only good thing about being delayed at the airport, was that we sat at the bar and watched the All Star Game. The West won of course, because everything is better in the West! LOL!

And of course when I got back, everyone asked me, did he propose? Are you guys getting married? No, no and no...not at this time. Its so crazy to have people want you to get married. Sometimes I feel like they want to set me up for failure...or they just want to see what will happen when the time does come. I don't understand why people, co-workers, and ex-co-workers are so concerned with my life. But whatevs...

I did however talk to my father. For the first time since May 2008. He's doing okay....sometimes I find it easier to talk to him then to talk to my mother. I told him about how E and I were talking about marriage, and how he may propose this year. And my dad was so happy and excited. And he gave his blessings and congratulations. He of course wants to speak to E first, which E will do. My dad is from North Carolina, and he's very old skool. He doesn't even think we should be living together without getting married first. And I have to tell him, dad, people are living together and finding out more about each other. If we didn't live together first, we might have gotten married, and separated by now. Living together first saves relationships or breaks them, I believe.

I know that people think I'm too young, I'll be 25 in April, and E will be 33 in November. But I'm always going to be too young, until I'm too old. We're not in a rush either, because it will be 7 years in August. This whole situation confuses me...and on top of my quarter life crisis, its something that I don't need right now. I have my mom telling me we should wait, and I ask her wait until when, and she says to wait 4 more years. So I will be 29 and E will be 37. I don't know what the wait is for...not much will change. And my dad thinks we should do it now. His parents have been waiting for us to get married, because he is the oldest. And everyone around the both of us, peers, co-workers and friends want us to get married now. We just want to do our own thing, which will be the end result any ways.

I just wish people would stop talking to me about it. The only people I'm concerned about is both of our families. I just can't deal with pressure coming from all sides.

San Francisco was nice, but I think when and if we go again, we need better weather to enjoy the scenery. But you can see some of our pictures.

~ JB

Absent

Sorry I've been so absent...I have been working on my book a lot...and working on some promotions ideas for the Beat Cartel...and the most exciting, watching the Lakers beat every body they've come in contact with. I love basketball! That has left me no time for my lil' ol' blog. And now I have people texting me asking me where have I been, whats going on....so here I am blogging.

I feel like I have so much to do sometimes and that I can't keep up with any of it. In addition to my 9-5, i'm working on my book, searching for literary agents, and constantly proofreading. I am going to be doing PR for the Beat Cartel...http://beatcartelmusic.com/ and http://www.myspace.com/beatcartel...so be on the look out for press releases soon...can't go in to that because everything is in progress and strictly for the media. And I want to start a foundation. Dear Daddy Letters...I came up with the idea 2 years ago.

Those are all the things I'm working on and working up too making shit happen.

Also E and I have been talking about marriage...the big P- proposal to come...and looking at houses and trying to figure out what we're going to do with ourselves.

I'm getting tired just talking about everything that I'm doing and not having time to work on things is frustrating. So that is why I've been absent, and may be more absent in the future.

Much Love and wish me luck on my endeavors.


~ JB