The Feminine Mystique Revisted

Like I said, lately I've been doing a lot more reading, than writing. So 2 things first - I bought The Feminine Mystique, just out of curiosity, I wanted to read it. I never wanted to before, because I felt like the issues that faced women in the 50's and 60's did not affect Black women. The issue of only being a housewife and wanting more as a woman. My grandma was born in 1923, and she worked ever since she was 15. She cleaned houses for white people, and ran errands for them and their children, for years. I don't think that being a housewife was an option for many black women.


I never understood what was wrong with many of these women. You're complaining about being a housewife? Why? So now that I'm knee deep in the book, my concern for these women changed. Although this book was published 45 years ago, and the research took almost 20-30 years, these women were not lazy, or spoiled, they were just victims of society. As Black people were, fighting for their rights, these women just wanted to be included in society, in their husbands lives. A part of the decision making process, of the household, the most simplistic demands they requested. Forget about not being able to eat in the same restaurants as another race, forget about segregation and desegregation and all the shit that my ancestors and family had to worry about. These women just wanted to be apart of their husbands lives. Their whole lives revolved around their husbands and children, they didn't have an identity.


Many of these women got married out of high school, and had babies by the time they were 21. They didn't get to be free, and say whatever they wanted, or do whatever they wanted. Their hobbies included whatever their husband's hobbies were. But the truth of the matter is, I don't know how far we've come. How far have women actually come since then? If a woman is single, her main goal is to find a man to marry and make her own. But is it about love, or just about this fulfillment that women have. To have a husband, to have children, biological clocks, and such. Chapter 3 talks about the identity that men had during that time, and how they knew exactly what they wanted in their lives. It was their destiny to make plans and to be men. Be entrepreneurs, and business men, they were the bread winners for the longest time. Women didn't have their own separate identity. They were just Mrs. whatever...forget about having their own names.

Many of these women went to college, had degrees as scientists, neurologists, and all other types of degrees, but they didn't need to do anything with their college education, because their husbands took care of everything for them. I'm so glad, that I was born in the time that I was...and that my mother raised me to be independent. But many of these women were raised to be a wife and a mother, and that is it. It seems so simple, and yet women still wanted more. What would my life be, if I was in fact a house wife? I don't think I could imagine it. When I was unemployed, home all day, I cleaned, cooked, took care of the dog and my turtles, and I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't imagine my life like that every day, for years and years.


I read some of these stories about these women, and it makes me a little angry. But at the same time, whose fault was it. Who decided that women were the weaker, lesser sex? Our feminine bodies, our physical strength, what was the reasoning behind this thought process, that haunted women for years. I'll have more opinions about this later, I only made it to chapter 4 so far.

Economically Speaking

Economically speaking what the hell is going on, and what happened
Financially speaking, people are not ready to deal with the truth of the matter
Politically speaking, who do you believe? Who do you trust?
How will you vote?
What will change for you?


Economically speaking the people are panicked and looking for help,
Not a fucking bail out to line the pockets of the already wealthy
Financially speaking, the president of WaMu, who was hired only 17 days before their demise, walked away with $10 million
Politically speaking, who will you vote for?


Economically speaking what does the future hold
Will you survive?
Will you move forward?
Financially speaking, how affected are you?
Are we, as people, as a whole
Where is the community
Where are the people to stand up against this injustice?
Politically speaking, who will it be? To save us. Will they save us?
Why do we look to these political figures as our heroes?


The debate continues, in my mind, my wallet, at my bank WaMu
Economically, financially and politically speaking are you depressed, confused, drained?
Do you look at what's going on, on the outside or the inside?
Inside of your mind, your own change
Fuck the politics, the bullshit
What is said could be a lie
The debate is whats in your own plan
Day to day
Because seriously speaking, the economy, finances and politics all comes down to the individual
Not the society, or the outside world
Some how, some way, we are supposed to make a difference
But with all of this instability
People's minds are clouded, fogged and hazed, you know, just economically speaking

McCain, Obama ready to debate

BY NIA-MALIKA HENDERSON |nia.henderson@newsday.com

8:15 PM EDT, September 26, 2008

Tonight's debate is the first side-by-side match up between John McCain and Barack Obama and while the topic is foreign policy and national security, with the economy in turmoil, talk will most certainly turn to Wall Street.

During the past week, the stylistic differences between the two candidates have come into sharper relief, with McCain suspending his campaign and calling for the debates to be postponed pending a $700 billion bailout agreement for the nation's banks and Obama saying that he would debate and that a president would have to handle more than one crisis at a time.

Tonight the candidates, with 25 years between them, will likely offer a further study in contrasts -- hot versus cool, fire versus ice.

The Obama campaign spent much of the day lowering expectations for the Illinois senator, who has often struggled in debates, partly because of his aversion to sound bites and zingers. In their previous back-to-back appearances, first at a faith forum last month and then at a service forum earlier this month, McCain seemed to fare better, offering up succinct answers to Obama's more professorial resp

For McCain, who earlier said he would not show up for the first of three presidential debates unless a bipartisan, bailout deal was reached, the stakes are high, according to the Obama camp.

"If he slips up, makes a mistake, or fails to deliver a game-changing performance, it will be a serious blow to his campaign," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said in a debate memo sent out to reporters. "Given his unsteady performance this week, he desperately needs to win this debate in a big way in order to change the topic and get back to his home turf."

National polls show that Obama has moved slightly ahead of McCain. But polls have consistently shown McCain with a clear advantage on national security issues, and on the stump he has hammered Obama for not backing the troop surge in Iraq. Expect McCain to call for Obama to admit that he was wrong about the surge tonight. And expect Obama, as he has done on the trail, to link the $10 billion a month Iraq war, to the weakening economy. According to polls, voters have shown a preference for Obama in handling economic issues.

In a statement sent out to reporters, Republicans criticized the Obama team for trying to "pre-spin" the debate as the economy teeters.

"It says a lot about the candidates' priorities that while John McCain was focused on rescuing the economy, Barack Obama's campaign was drafting a debate memo. Strong leadership does not transparently attempt to lower expectations by circulating clips criticizing yourself," said Alex Conant, a Republican National Committee spokesman.

"We are confident people are smart enough to see through Obama's silly spin and recognize it as just another blatant example of the old political tricks."

If the record-breaking viewership of the conventions is any guide, tonight's debate will likely be a ratings blockbuster, and could be a deciding factor for many voters. According to a recent Gallup Poll, debates haven't historically mattered except in two elections -- 1960 and 2000, two close elections.

With 39 days left, the race is virtually tied according to most polls, with Obama having a slight lead in the Electoral College round up.

Tonight's debate in Oxford, Mississippi is scheduled to begin at 9 p.m. and run for 90 minutes. Candidates will have two minutes each to answer the same question, then five minutes for a back-and-forth exchange.

On the Runway

Lately, I've been doing a lot more reading than writing. Over the weekend I read an article in Ebony about the lack of black models, both male and female, on the runway during fashion week. Not only was there an absence of black models, there were absolutely no other nationalities strutting the fabulous duds that many of us drool over.


I searched google for the story to post on my blog when I came across other recent articles on the same subject. Reuters even posted a story. Click here:
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSN1145982120080912

How amazing is it that people are starting to take notice of discrimination in the fashion industry. However, this realization comes a little too late. Tyra Banks did a special about black women's lack of presence not only on the runway, but also in movies, on television, on magazine covers and in the corporate world. She had different celebrities talk about their experiences and certain people, like Nia Long, who discussed how hard it is for her to not get typed cast...etc...

Just some of my own observations, Elle, is one of my favorite magazines to read, it appeals to me, and I've been a subscriber for over 4 years now. However the covers are always the same celebrities or people. Jessica Simpson has been on the cover about 4 times in the past 3 years. Beyonce, only once. I don't know how you feel, but I think Beyonce is a much bigger star and would sell more magazines than Jessica on the cover. Alicia Keys was on the cover once too. Rhianna, once as well. Yet, Jessica Simpson has been on more covers...it baffles me.


Unfortunately, I have yet to boycott the magazine, because I always felt like fashion has no color. Yet, here I am talking about the discrimination, and I do take notice of the covers.

Around the time Dream Girls was up for the Oscar nomination, and Jennifer Hudson won for best supporting actress, she was on the cover of Vogue. I think it was one of the first times that a non-skinny woman was on the cover, and she doesn't look like the every day idea of, "black beauty"- meaning she is not light skinned, with light eyes, and blonde dyed hair, but I've digressed. I don't know how well the magazine sold, but the following month or so, when I excitedly opened my shiny new subscription, of Vogue, there were letters from readers who were outraged. One person wrote about how they didn't understand why Vogue chose Jennifer Hudson for the cover. The person wrote, all they did was slap on a couture gown, stilettos and a wavy weave, and all of a sudden she became a model. They wrote that she did not deserve to be on the cover of such a prestigious magazine like Vogue. They have yet to put another black woman on the cover.

Now, back to the Ebony story, which went in depth about the designers who have NEVER used a black model in any of their run way shows. Many of these labels/designers have been around for decades. It bothers me that something I love so much, fashion, hates/discriminates against me, in more ways than one. What hope do young black models have in this world? To never be able to walk in a runway show, unless its for Hip Hop clothing, or to never be on the cover, unless its Essence or Ebony. Not that its bad to support your own, I do, because I also subscribe to those magazines.


When I view my Essence and my Elle, the thickness of the two magazines is incomparable. Essence has hardly any advertisers, while Elle's first 50 pages are advertisements. I don't know how Essence is going to survive, yet it has so far. My love for fashion and clothes goes beyond models, because I don't need to see other people wearing it to want it. I wonder what will happen in the future. Why is it such a big deal to book models of color? I don't even have anything else to say on the matter at this time. Read the article, look at the evidence for yourself.

September's 20 Questions

1. Where did Sarah Palin come from?
2. Why is the media so obsessed with her?
3. Is there still a war going on? Why haven't we heard anything about it in a while?
4. Does the "Pursuit of Happyness" movie make you feel hopeful when you're down?
5. What is your pursuit of happiness?
6. Do you think you'll ever reach that happiness?
7. Will the economy ever bounce back?
8. What do you think about Bush's proposed plan to reconcile the markets?
9. How far have women really come since the 1950's?
10. How far have African Americans come since the Civil Rights movement?
11. Do you believe Obama when he says "change"?
12. What will "change" for you personally?
13. What happened to all the black models on the runway?
14. Are fashion designers really discriminating against black models? What's really going on?
15. Did the book, "Feminine Mystique" affect black women in the 60's?
16. How valuable is friendship to you?
17. Can you trust all of your so-called friends?
18. Why can't I just take my laptop with me everywhere?
19. Will I be able to buy a house within the next year?
20. They want how much down? Damn

The Money, Honey: Financial Savvyness, Taking Control

By Jillian Ballard
Friday, September 19, 2008 8:52 AM PDT

Eighteen is the age when you start feeling more like an adult. It's legal to vote, you're able to enter more nightclubs and you start taking on more responsibility. Many people start college; move out of their parent's home to dorm or live with roommates. Some can say that life sort of begins at 18.

Along with the freedom, and more responsibility comes this right of passage in to adult hood, called bills. Creditors started sending me applications for cards when I was still in high school. I was already 18 and in my senior year of school. Unfortunately no one ever taught me about credit cards, bills and debt.

I had a few cards when college started, and I just kept buying things. I thought it was fun to have the freedom to spend money, without asking for permission and more importantly without the funds actually having to be there in my bank account. I had a job, but I was working retail, and only made $500 a month.

My credit card debt became $1400 in just three months. I couldn't afford the minimum balances, and my debt kept rising. I would pay a little here and there, but the interest rates were through the roof. I had to consolidate for 18 months to get out of debt, but that is not the best choice for everyone, and not all situations call for a consolidation.

So being eighteen not only gives you the freedom to spend, but it also can start you on the path to debt and a poor credit score, which will follow you when you're trying to make important purchases as you get older. When you're young, all you want to do is hang out with your friends, go shopping, partying and whatnot, but all of that costs money. Money that you might not have, while credit cards are giving you a false sense of having cash in your pocket.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start off your spending habits properly. And if you already are in debt, I have some tips for getting your bills under control; things that I have done in the past and other tips that will definitely help you. Here are some ways you can take control of your debt:

http://thesavvygal.com/articles/2008/09/19/the_money_honey/59money.txt

Dow soars more than 400 points after Wednesday's market rout

Stocks rally late in the day after regulators pledge increased oversight of short sellers and a key lawmaker says the federal government is working on a permanent solution to the financial crisis.

By Martin Zimmerman, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
2:19 PM PDT, September 18, 2008

The Dow Jones industrial average soared more than 400 points today after regulators pledged increased oversight of traders who profit from falling share prices and a key lawmaker reportedly said the federal government is weighing a long-term solution to the current financial crisis.

The rally, which followed the Dow's 449-point plunge Wednesday, was a welcome respite for investors who have been battered by a global financial crisis that has choked off credit, toppled storied financial institutions and threatened economic growth here and abroad.

"If they can free up capital and get the banks lending again, then it's a whole new ballgame," said William Buechler, president of Buechler Capital Asset Management, a money management firm in La Jolla. The key is whether the regulators' talk and the rumor of legislative action turn into concrete results, he said.

The Dow finished the day up 410.03 points, or 3.9%, at 11,019.69. The tech-heavy Nasdaq composite fared even better, gaining 100.25 points, or 4.8%, to 2,199.10.

The late rally was led by financial stocks, which have borne the brunt of the selling over the last week. They were by far the best-performing sector of the Standard & Poor's 500 index, gaining 12%.

The burst of buying came late in what had been a see-saw session after wire services reported that Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), the chairman of the congressional Joint Economic Committee, told reporters that the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve were working on a "permanent" solution to the financial crisis.

Schumer urged Congress to offer financial support to companies struggling to raise capital. Many banks and securities firms are sinking under the weight of soured mortgages and of investments tied to those bad loans.

Analysts also gave credit to signs that regulators are cracking down on short sellers, investors who make bets that stocks will go down by borrowing shares and then selling them with the intention of replacing them later a lower price. Short sellers have received some of the blame for the precipitous price declines in shares of financial companies such as Lehman Bros. Holdings Inc., Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs.

British regulators today imposed an outright ban on short-selling of financial stocks. In the U.S., the Securities and Exchange Commission said late Wednesday that it planned to impose rules intended to rein in "manipulative" stock trading.

And New York Atty. Gen. Andrew Cuomo said today he was investigating short selling of shares of Lehman, American International Group Inc. and other financial stocks. Unlike the SEC, Cuomo has the power under New York state law to criminally prosecute traders.

Short selling is not illegal, but Cuomo said he would be looking for evidence that short sellers spread false information to artificially force down shares they were shorting.

The intervention of regulators may have convinced many short sellers to "cover" their short positions by buying stock, which gave the market a boost, some analysts said.

"The outright ban on short-selling of financial stocks catalyzed the rally in bank stocks such as Wachovia," Brian Horey, president of Aurelian Management in New York, told Bloomberg News. Similar curbs in the U.S. "can't be ruled out," he said. "It's likely that some shorts are covering in anticipation of such a move."

To cite one example, shares of investment banking giant Morgan Stanley initially continued their free fall amid signs that the company may have to seek a merger with a commercial bank to shore up its capital base. But the stock rebounded and was trading up more than 5% shortly before the end of the trading session.

The stock market was helped early on by the actions of the Fed and other central banks to calm investors' jangled nerves. Central bankers infused as much as $180 billion into global money markets and the Fed poured in another $55 billion in the U.S.

One analyst warned that the turnaround may be short-lived. Joe Battipaglia, market strategist at Stifel, Nicolaus & Co., said the U.S. economy faces challenges beyond the current credit crunch, including the ongoing turmoil in the housing industry and weakness in the job market.

"Until these fundamental conditions start to improve, the most you can hope for is for [government] policies that try to mitigate the blowout," Battipaglia said. "That is not the basis for a new bull market."

The Labor Department reported today that jobless claims rose unexpectedly last week

Also today, Dow Jones & Co. announced that AIG will be replaced in the Dow average on Monday by food and beverage maker Kraft Foods Inc.

Ghosts of Relationships

If your father abused your mother then chances are you’re going to marry someone who abuses you too, right. If your mother cheated on your dad, than you will cheat on your husband, correct? There are so many statistics that will shock most women. If your parents are divorced, than you will more than likely end your marriage in divorce. The first example of relationships that we have comes from our parents. The way they love and care for each other sets the precedence for how we choose our mates and how we behave with them. Unfortunately, if your parents had a terrible relationship and it had a huge impact on your home life, you never receive a good example that one needs for a healthy relationship.

Well according to an article in Essence, all of the above is true. Essence calls it post-traumatic relationship disorder. The relationship you had with your father is a direct correlation of how your relationships will be. Essence explores how women can work to figure out where the trouble is in their relationships are now. I don’t know if I agree with these theories or not, because I feel like if a woman had a bad relationship with her father, than she tries to date someone who is the complete opposite. I think a lot of men date women who remind them of their mothers, if they had a good relationship with them. And some people, date men/women who are neither.

Growing up, my parents had a great relationship, and while they were married, my father and I had a great relationship. I was a daddy’s girl. He could do no wrong in my eyes. After their divorce things changed, and even now my perspective on my parents continues to change. My boyfriend does remind me of my father, in some ways. He is a hardworking man who takes care of me and our house hold. My father did the same for us, however my mother left him. So, I don’t know if that means after 18 years together, that I will leave my boyfriend. I don’t think your relationship can be justified by what your parents did. Our parents relationships can truly have an influence over us, and for women especially, their relationship with their fathers, can influence their love of their husbands.

Men don’t realize that their daughters look up to them, at such a young age, and depending on how they’re treated, they either want to disown their fathers, or find men who are just like them. I think if someone had a bad or rough child hood, they would do everything in their power not to go through the same thing as an adult. But how hard can someone try to not end up in a similar situation. What I want to know is how can you escape falling in to the same pattern as your parents. I know some women who have great relationships with their parents and they also have happy healthy marriages and children. But then the exact opposite is true as well. Do we dictate our own fate? How can someone change their alleged path?

Essence doesn’t give many solutions besides attending therapy to face the problems of your past, in order to help you with your present and future relationships. They don’t suggest blocking out your past entirely, but facing it head on. Dealing with the problems you had or may have with your father. Readjusting your perspective of yourself and your current relationship by viewing the person you’re with as an entirely new person, and not seeing them as your father. And not comparing your relationship to any in the past, or present. Each person, in my opinion, is very different. Even though there are studies and statistics that have already doomed my future marriage, to divorce, because of my parents, I can’t view my life like that. One of the biggest fears I have about getting married is getting divorced. I saw what my parents went through, and how they were happy for 18 years, and then it was done. It was over. I think that many children of divorced parents might agree with me. You can’t forget your past, because if you do, then you don’t know where you’re going. Your future is a reflection of your past, even if you’ve added a couple of twists and turns along the way, you have to look at your parents and family as people who have been there before. They have gone through everything that you have and then some.

Creating your own path is hard to do if you completely forget your past. If you ignore your parents or hate your father or mother, then it reflects how you feel about yourself. Not everyone has a great childhood, but completely ignoring it won’t change what you went through. It won’t change the past and there is nothing you can do to make your past better. The ghosts of relationships are your ancestors and your parent’s relationship. Those ghosts will come back to haunt you if you let them. The only thing I can do is learn from my parent’s mistakes and learn from their love. They did love each other and me, and that has not changed one bit. I feel like if you focus on the positives of the relationships then you can incorporate those positives in your own life. And if there were no positives, than you just have to learn from the negatives. But don’t ever forget those ghosts, because they will always be there in the back of your mind, in your bedroom, in your kitchen and in your life, whether you like it or not.

Beauty Marks

When I was younger I used to be obsessed with moles. I guess I still am, but I was always curious about them. I never understood why I had them. When I was nine, I had 14 of them, my last count a few years ago was 28 total, over my entire body. My mother would tell me that they were beauty marks, and the more I had the more beautiful I was. At 9, I had 14, and I never thought that I was beautiful. I used to get made fun of a lot as a kid. I needed braces, which I got at 14, and I was a lot lighter than most of my friends. I was so light as a child, that people would say I looked like a yellow high lighter, or that I was adopted because both of my parents were a lot darker than me.


Everyone goes through awkward phases, but when I got to junior high school/ high school people thought I was hideous. I didn't think of myself as being cute or pretty for the longest time. But the funny thing was, I always had a boyfriend, and a lot of male friends. Guys loved hanging out with me and talking to me. And girls hated me. They used to leave notes in my locker, saying the meanest things about me.



It took a lot for me to gain confidence. Even up until my first year of college, I was very insecure about my looks. I hated my legs, my face, my breasts and everything about myself. I always thought I was too skinny or too fat or out of shape. I was never just right. But as a freshman in college, there were a lot of frat guys that would hit on me. They offered to carry my books to my car etc...They thought I was the sweetest thing, at least that is what they told me. They were probably trying to get in to my pants, it didn't work though, I had a boyfriend at the time.


He thinks I'm beautiful and he tells me so every day. My confidence began to spark on its own. I don't think a woman can validate her looks based on what a man thinks or says about her. Or what people think about the. You have to have your own confidence, reassurance and validation. See, I think that everyone is beautiful, in their own way. In the past I may have been an ugly duckling, but who hasn't felt that way. Children go through stages, and as they transform in to swans in their early stages of adulthood, that is when the confident levels spark. I have never met an 11 year old who thought they were gorgeous. Or a 14 year old, that had more confidence than a woman twice her age. And if they do have that confidence, than I would be a little scared. Confidence not only comes when your body matures, and your beauty matures, but also as you mature. Once you realize that its what you think about yourself that matters, and no one else has a say in it.


I've been told that my personality is so bright that it shines through my beauty. I do believe that there could be a glow around me, most of the time, but that is because I am usually happy. I have been so happy, for so long that I don't even know what its like to feel any other way. I am happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. I love myself more than anything and I am happy with myself. In order to be really beautiful, you need the inner beauty, that great sparkling personality. I can't stand women who have ugly insides, an ugly personality. It doesn't matter how gorgeous they appear, their hearts are black. I can't stand bitchy women, because I don't understand what would make some be a bitch all the time. How unhappy can someone be that would make them be a bitch at all times? I just don't understand it.


So, find your inner glow, inner peace, and inner beauty marks and they will outshine any outer flaws, that you think, you may have. Women are gorgeous creatures by nature, but its your attitude and behavior that people notice more than your looks. As for those beauty marks/moles, I now have 57 all over my body.

Love Letters

I was going through this box in my closet and found love letters from my now boyfriend, that we wrote to each other in our times apart. We met July 16, 2002, in the Dominican Republic, and we were separated for 6 months on opposite coasts. Believe it or not we wrote love letters/emails to each other. It was very romantic, and different in this day and age of technology. Lets see...where do I begin.


July 21, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Hey!
I got ur reply, the first one just said ##hey and the second didn't say anything. The flight was alright, couldn't stop thinking bout u. I smelled u on my clothes the whole way back. Everyone had jokes when u left. It was killing me though not seeing u come walking down from ur room.

My boys dragged me out last night...I was hating it. Kept thinking how I wish I was on the beach just holding you, seeing u smile. Damn, miss u so much.

Hope everything gets better with u at home. You better do good in school or I'm gonna come out there and kick ur ass. :)

So much more I wanted to talk to u about, I wanted to find out about u. U better not play me, call me soon (I have free long distance, so u can just text my phone and I'll holla back). I'll give u my address the next time I talk to u.

Send me some of those pictures...I need to see ur face again.

Keep smiling Piglet....lol
:)

-E

July 22, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Hey Jill!

Hope everything went alright today with you and ur man. I feel bad about the whole situation, but I also feel so much for you (even though we only had a short time together). I can't believe its only been 2 days and I miss you soo much.

Last week seemed like a dream, until I heard your message this morning, then I knew it was real. I listened to the message like 3 times today, just to hear your voice again. I wish I could see ur smile again. I'm glad I got to talk to u, I had a smile on my face for the longest time. My partner at work tried to have jokes for a minute cause I never used to bring my phone to work with me, then I was talking to u for like an hour. I shut him down real fast...he's always talking to his girl on the celli.

Next time I'll call u back so ur mom doesn't get the charges.


Now I wouldn't call what I was telling you sweet talkin, anything I told you was from the heart. I really do feel for you, I've never been one to go out with alot of girls or play games. Usually I'm the one who gets played. The few girlfriends I've had are few and far between. Thats made it rough for me to trust people, especially girls. But I was able to just talk to u so easily, you made me forget about everything but us and our times together. I don't know, there is something different about you.


I can promise you that I will never play you, hurt you, or break your heart. I promise.

I'll call you tomorrow at work.

You can call me during the week, from NY times 4:50 am - 6: 30 am and 2pm to 3 pm (thats when I'm on the road) 4:45 - 10:30 pm (usually working on music).

and anytime on the weekends. If you need to talk to someone though call me anytime, I'm always here to listen to you. I gotta go do some laundry and make dinner soon, talk to u tomorrow.

Luv,
E
P.S. I don't ever pick up girls from clubs or bars


July 23, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Its me again!

Glad to hear you guys didn't argue. Thats a plus. If he can change or not, I don't know. You shouldn't let anyone pressure you into anything, you're too young. You just have to worry about doing good in school and getting into the career you want. As long as you concentrate on that you'll be successful. Don't let anyone hold you back from what you really want to do or what is right for you (including me).

Thats crazy about someone in Macy's having the same name as me and all that, I didn't think my name was popular at all. I only met one other person besides my father with that name.


When I'm in the basement, spinning I keep dropping songs that remind me of you and/or us...Its funny that My Life is one of them along with MJB- Can't get u off my mind and All my life- Kcee & Jojo. Then I start thinking, damn, why of anywhere in the country you have to be all the way on the other side. I haven't even selected my set for Saturday yet. I wish you could be there with me. I think the weekends are going to kill me the most, not being able to see you, hold you, or take you out anywhere.

I wish you could be my girlfriend. I'm glad we have what we do though. It makes me happy hearing from you and getting e-mails. When we talk I never want to hang up, and especially not saying goodbye. I hope this does grow to be something even more special (then you can turn it into a movie - it would be a pretty good story).

Man its going to be like 9 months till I see u, unless I go out in the winter...!! By then you'll have forgotten about me, with all those guys in school and everything...everyone will be tryin to kick it to u...You'll be like E who???


You can write me a book if you want, and I'd read it cover to cover, your email wasn't too long at all. I'm going to cut it short since I'm going to talk to you later.

Keep smiling Jill!

My Heart,

E


July 26, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Jill,

Finally got here and read your emails and saw the pictures. I like ur hair like that, u look cute.

Now for your first email:
I don't mind u telling me all that stuff, I know what its like to not have anyone to talk to. I used to bottle everything up inside too, cause I didn't trust anyone. It just all comes out one way or another, its better to talk to someone, keeping it in will cause a break down. I had to go for help for a little while. I'm glad u can talk to me, I find it easy to talk to u, but if sometimes I seem quiet or kind of holding back, dont take it personally. I told you about some of the shit I've been through and how I have trust issues. I get like hesitant sometimes cause I'm not used to it, but its your different than the girls I usually end up with.


I know the distance and age thing to everyone else seems weird and too difficult. I've thought about it too (not until other people brought it up). I know it will be difficult, but we can just take it day by day and see what happens. No matter what I need u in my life now as a friend or more. But I can't lose you as a friend. You are special! You make me happy just even talking to you. Just know that anything at anytime, if you need to talk or whatever I'm hear for you.


Now that stuff in the email about Eddie pissed me off. If you stayed in that relationship and eventually got married, it would turn into a battered wife story where you would think its your fault all the time. There is never a reason for a man to physically hurt a woman (unless she's tryin to kill him or something). I don't see how he can act like that and expect to keep someone like you. Especially on special occasions like that. Believe me ur not stupid at all its just that luv is blind and ur like me, we have to learn the hard way.

I'm not even going to go on with that subject. I saw the video... I'm glad I make u happy! But you luv to torture me...I told you I don't want a birthday present, or you to spend any money on me! Seeing you is more than enough. I hope things are getting easier today...I know its hard to get over a long relationship unfortunately it happens to everyone at sometime and it hurts. I'm hear if you need to talk.

I'll probably talk to you in a little while. Have to pick up the rest of my records for tomorrow. I miss you! (at least I have a picture now).

My heart,
E
P.S. Thought that hand comment was funny? U always got jokes, just wait!!!

Love & Baseball

Over the Labor Day weekend I went to my grandparents house in Palm Springs, spent the night with some of my family. My two favorite aunts and my cousins. We stayed up all night, chit chatting, like we were all in high school still. Watching television on my grandparents big screen. My aunt, whose my best friend, she's 56 but she looks like she is 35, its true, black does not crack, ever, she is gorgeous. She's a size 4, like me, and she has no kids and has never been married. She was one of the rose bowl parade queens, in Pasadena, she's a Delta Sigma Theta. A single diva at best, who teaches U.S. History at UC San Diego at night, and teaches U.S. History at a private school in her neighborhood. She has been a teacher for 35 years, and knows everything about everything. She has traveled the world, places that most people wouldn't want to visit, she has been there. So, you can see why I admire and adore her. She takes care of everyone in our family, financially, spiritually and emotionally, she is there for everyone, there to listen. But this weekend I noticed a change in her. Not in a bad way, but she was just very different.


Come to find out, she and her on again-off again boyfriend of almost 30 years broke up. For good, she is done with him. He was a famous baseball player in the 80's and now is a batting coach for a huge and famous baseball team. I can't give out any team names, sorry. And his son plays in the outfield of yet another huge baseball team. I can't tell...I don't want to get anybody in trouble. But I'm telling you the truth. She has baseballs signed by the most famous players over the years. She is so selfless, that she gives the balls away to her students if they get A's or if they do well on their finals etc...They are prizes for them and the kids love them. I was shocked and awed to find out that they ended their long standing relationship, which none of us ever understood anyway. She never wanted to marry him because, lets face it, he is never in the same state more than 4 days or so.


In the beginning of their relationship, she was telling us, he would fly her from state to state, so they could be together. Wherever his team was playing, she would be there, almost like his mistress. I can't say she is the reason him and his wife divorced, but I'm sure she is the main part. He bought her, her first car...a Nissan 300...a popular car in the 90's. He took care of her, sent her flowers, diamonds, everything. They vacationed together, she had a dream girl's life. She had the famous boyfriend, who she didn't have to see all the time if she wanted. "If he told me jump, I would say how high," she told us. The main trouble in their relationship, was the distance, and after all these years they saw each other less and less. She didn't even consider him her boyfriend because of their lack of a relationship. He would call her and she never called him.
They started only seeing each other in the off season, and if his team played the San Diego Padres. Sometimes if he was in Los Angeles, she would go see him, or he would fly her up.


"At one point in my life, I did want to marry this man. I thought he was going to propose, but what kind of life would we have together," she said. Their break up was as non-traditional as their relationship. He called her when he was in San Diego recently, and she didn't respond. He kept calling her, and she has yet to return his call. "That's it...I'm too old for this relationship, for these games." Too old! Too old! But she looks gorgeous, as beautiful as she did if not better, than when they first hooked up. "I've come to the realization, that I'm going to be alone forever. And I'm okay with that. I like being alone, I like having to depend on no one."


I started thinking, about my own life, and how much I used to want to be alone. I wanted to be just like her, and not that there is nothing wrong with her wanted to be alone, but I used to want to be alone to;o. As much as I admired her single life style, her freedom, it does get pretty lonely. I'm an only child, so I know what its like to be alone, always. Her fabulous life of going to the Ivory Coast, traveling to Alaska, Italy, France, Germany wherever and whenever she wanted to go. Her gorgeous BMW, her own house, that she owns, with the help of no one, its all glamorous and fabulous. But is that really what I wanted? To be alone, forever, and to be content with it. I'm happy for her, but we all knew she would be alone. And its not like she never had a slew of boyfriends, or men hitting on her. But to want to be alone forever, is scary. I think she just got used to it. To not depending on anyone. When I'm alone, at home, I'm okay, and when I'm not I am fine too.


My mother is the total opposite, she can't stand being alone. Her biggest fear is that she is going to die alone. I'm not afraid of being alone. The way I see it is, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow, I will be okay. I would be perfectly fine. The older I get, the more independent I become. Although we help and support one another, I think I could help and support my self too. Eventually :)


At the same time....I think I'm have a quarter life crisis...I will be 25 next year....aaaahhhh! I know that its not old, but its a fabulous age to be...and it doesn't bring me any closer to wanted to get married either. LOL!

That is my love & baseball story.