Black Marriage

In the May 2010 issue of Essence Magazine, a panel discussion about Why Don't We Get Married? examines successful single men and women on why black people don't get married. As someone who is engaged I don't understand why there are not more married black people. In examining my own family, besides my grandparents, only two of my family members is married. My mom has 6 brothers and sisters, none of which are married, and their children, my older cousins, are not married either. The area that I happen to live in has more single people than other areas in Los Angeles. I have been trying to figure out why studies say that black people don't get married.

There are a lot of children born out of wedlock in the black community, babies having babies and other women ending up pregnant and left with no ring on their finger. According to the article, the Journal for Marriage and the Family found 77% of black adults ages 19 to 35 said they wished to get married, so why don't they? It seems like black people want to be married and according to the article, we take marriage more seriously than our white counterparts. There are many reasons why blacks don't marry. Financial reasons, the expense of a wedding is huge. The lack of commitment from men and women. The men on the down low. The lack of support from family members. The success rate of men vs. women. The list is endless.

After slavery the black family was broken and it was hard to restore it. The sons were all grown up, and had no need to respect their fathers and mothers anymore. The black man was so broken down and made to be the weakest link in the family, that possibly shame kept him from stepping back up to be the man. However in the 50's and 60's, the time of civil rights for blacks, the family was whole again. There were more married black couples then than their are now. I think location has a lot to do with it too. I live in California, where the divorce rates are the highest in the nation. My family in the south is all married with their families, and seem to be very happy. How do we get those southern family values out here in the west?

Nowadays women seem to expect so much more from their men than they did before during the civil rights movement. If they just had a job, it was enough, but now it is a lot harder for black men. Additionally there are not that many black men who are faithful to their wives, nor do they want to be faithful. The rate of successful black women, i.e., Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Halle Berry etc... are all single, unmarried. How can they find men who are equal to them? Forget about exceeding what they have done or where they have been, just equal. Black women surpass black men in just about every aspect of life. When I was in college, all of my black studies courses where filled with mostly women.

It is hard for me even though I am getting married, but I don't feel full support from my father. I know he is try his best, and my fiance and I have tried to make this wedding as inexpensive as possible, yet my father still complains. When a white woman gets married, or jewish, or greek or italian, doesn't even matter, their fathers are there to pay every step of the way. They may complain and put up a fight, by they are still there to help out and support. I don't feel all of that from my father. He offers help and advice, but I don't see it. We are less than 5 months away and I am trying to remain positive, but I don't know what will happen. I wish he could be as happy and supportive as my fiance's parents. What makes black women and men want to marry if they don't even have the support of their parents. How can we keep up with our white counterparts if we are not even close in numbers to being married?

Movies like Why Did I Get Married Too? show the struggles that black successful couples can have. Cheating, lying, disrespecting one another. Although it is a comedy, that does not show positive married black people. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was a little sad afterwards, because of our portrayal on the big screen. As much as I enjoy supporting black movies, I couldn't help but wonder if black married couples really do go through those struggles and pains. And why do we get married? Maybe the population has it right to stay single, and make money and not worry about moving forward and back together. Marriage is just a title, and we can stay married to our lifestyles and work careers, and not each other. Men and women don't respect each other as is. There are no positive black married couples. Our media examples have divorced due to cheating, not being able to provide, gold digging women and men and just overall no respect for the fact that they are married. Marriage is hard work, and it is not easy. Perhaps it is a lack of God in their lives to keep them focused. Who knows? Why don't we get married?