Love

Last year my new year's resolution was to love myself more. I felt like I wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't care how I looked because I was constantly working. I never got sick because I didn't have time to get sick. Not only did I not take care of myself, but I also constantly had negative thoughts. I never took the time to look around and be thankful for my life and for what I had. So I not only wanted to love myself more, but I needed to appreciate and love my life. I wanted to think more positively about everything. I got tired of being down on myself and others especially. I was always involved in other people's drama and in other people's business. I obsessed and fed off of people's negative energy. At the time I worked at the PR agency with 55 women, and they all thought they were too fat, too ugly, too skinny, too this or too that. I got caught up in that Los Angeles drama, the drama of not being happy with yourself and constantly worrying about how that can be changed.

As 2008 pushed on I noticed the change in myself. I became happy with myself and happy with my life. I slowly stopped worrying about others, and it took a lot for me to detach myself from others. People may think its fucked up or whatever, but I had to detach from others. I couldn't talk to people or deal with them. I stopped dealing with others drama. I felt like Mary J. Blige, with no more drama in my life. I not only transformed, but I cemented my change with a tattoo. My very first tattoo ever, on my right wrist, love in Kanji.

So now, after the transformation of me loving my self more and taking better care of myself, I had to think about my new New Year's resolution for 2009. I thought about what someone told me last year. I was told that I don't live in the moment, and that I constantly live in the future. I am always making plans and thinking about the next step in life. If you don't believe me, I already have 4 vacations planned and damn near paid for, for 2009. I don't know who else does that, but I even have outfit ideas for each separate vacation. That is just the way my mind works. But I would like to live in the present, and to enjoy the now. I don't know why I always think about the future and just constantly worry about it. I need to turn off that part of my brain, and just be here, present. I feel like I'm constantly dreaming, and off in another world. So resolution number one, is to live in the now. Resolution number two is to live my life to the fullest and to further enjoy every moment that I am alive and awake.

I know it seems like something so simple, but honestly for me it is not that easy to just let go. I will admit to being a bit of a control freak, so to let go and to just be, will be a difficult task for me. I have never been able to let go, because I was afraid of the unknown. Afraid of what would happen if someone else took control, or if the ball wasn't in my court. So that is my resolution, to live in the moment and to enjoy every single moment of my life. I do want to get another tattoo to commemorate this new moment in my life, but we shall see what happens.

I am also turning 25 in 2009, and I know that it seems so super young, but I think I'm have a quarter life crisis. I can't believe that I will be 25. Its another part of my controlling, because I thought that I knew for sure where I would be and what I would be doing at this point in my life, however, I'm not there yet. So that is what makes me so nervous about turning 25. I have never been the type of person who just floated through life without a thought or a care in the world. I had plans for my future when I was 9 years old. I was on the way to my goals at 13. But somewhere along the way, when life hit me smack in the face, I got stuck. Not stuck because of me, I still have my dreams, goals and ambitions, and I know that I will carry them out, but I assumed that I would be half way there already. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. But that can be changed through my resolution. Through living in the moment and taking care of my life on a day to day basis, as opposed to on a month by month or year to year basis. I skip part A and go all the way to part D, without ever getting a handle on part A. So wish me luck in my endeavors and on my New Year's Resolution, and I will support you on yours.

Happy New Year and here is to a prosperous and wonderful 2009!