Untitled

I know its been a while, but I was going through some things. I have been writing in my journal just not typing on my blog. But I have decided to merge the two because its too difficult to go back and try to tell all of you what has been happening.

I will start with my last blog entry:
From my journal

April 18, 2009
Today I blogged for the first time since March 28th. My life took a turn after that so it is understandable as to why I could not blog. Writing frees me from my mind. Everything that I think comes out in words on paper, or on my computer. My mind is then cleared and freed. I wish I could live my own life freer, I would probably be so much happier. I am ready for my new life. Life without fear, failure and a freer self. I can't be afraid anymore. I refuse. No more dwelling on the past. Time to move forward.

April 19, 2009
I am starting to feel like my old self, with a new attitude. Yesterday Yazmin came over, we laid out by the pool. I talked to Christian and Ernie's parents about our upcoming trip to Florida. We are going May 2nd. And we are going to Disney World, the happiest place on earth. I just have to be happy there right? I just want everything to work out right now. I can't fail. As long as I remove failure from any and every situation, then I have to succeed.

April 20, 2009
Why are there so many decisions to be made? Life is a struggle right now. The economy is not making it easy for people to do things. Its hard for us to make the next moves in life. We have only gone to church once so far, and I still feel lost, yet people expect me to have all the answer right now, and I don't. Not after only one week. We both know what we need to do, but it takes money and patience to reach that point. God does not deliver all of the answers right away. He delivers when He wants to. And usually its not when you want them. I know what I want in life, and that is what my focus should be. Not all of this other bull shit. I just wish it could be so simple. I wish that Ernie and I didn't have to go our separate ways, not splitting up, but as far as our career paths and goals. That should be each of our focuses. We know that our situation needs to be changed. I feel like maybe we are just holding on because we love each other so much. When in actuality loosing one another would probably be the best thing for our careers. I think we both know that but how can we do that? We've become so dependent on one another over the years. I can't picture my life without him at all. Breaking up is so hard to do. Its like we need to either obtain our individual goals and dreams together or a part. Which one would be more beneficial? Which one will lead us to the path of success? Alone or together? That is what I need God to tell me. Please help me decide which way is best for both of us. Letting go of the one true love I've ever had to obtain my dreams or allowing the relationship to suffer to obtain my dreams. Please guide me in the right direction.

April 21, 2009
Yesterday was a good day. I accomplished a lot. We worked out, ate dinner and worked on the book. People are beginning to distract me from the task at hand. My friends want to spend all of their time with me. Its not that I don't want to but when I have things to do, they don't understand. They are forcing themselves on me. I can't deal with it. I am sick and tired of people forcing themselves on me. Their values, their beliefs and thoughts. How do they know what is right for me when I don't know what is right for me?

April 23, 2009
Last night was our second church night. It was good. He talked about finding that goodness inside of ourselves. He said to be an artist in your everyday life no matter what the situation is. The world is like your masterpiece. You live in what you create in each moment. He said not to worry about what others are doing or saying, but to just lift your head up high above it all and bring out the greatness that is already inside of us. Unfortunately we are so intoxicated with other people's worries or struggles that our own struggles become theirs as well. I think about the people who I am surrounded by, and most of them are very selfish and self-centered. Getting past all of that is the true struggle. But I can't worry about others as much. I feel like every one comes to me with their issues, meanwhile I've ignored my own. I have lost my inner happiness and peace and became so distracted by this economy. This economy that has our hands tied. My canvas got cluttered, my life became depressed. I have to get out of this rut and see the bigger picture of life. The picture that I am just waiting to paint.