April Cont'd

April 24, 2009
Being organized is one of the toughest things for me. I can get everything to that point, but keeping it like that is a challenge. Recently I've decided to face my challenges head on. At 25, there are just certain things that I don't think I should be doing anymore. People are always so quick to tell me what I did wrong, or how unorganized I am. But I don't think anyone knows how to be helpful or suggest a solution. Its easier for them to criticize people to make themselves feel better. Today I need to be organized.

April 25, 2009
Things are starting to turn around. I am learning to be more appreciative of the life I have, and to be happy with just being alive everyday. Things could be a whole lot worse, and they're not. I thank God for my life with Ernie. He treats me so well. The fact that he loves me for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am grateful for that. Its so easy to just give up on things in life, when its not going as planned. But I am headed in the right direction I think. God has given me the tools I need, and the know how on using them. Today I am grateful to know how to use my tools and go in the right direction.

April 26, 2009
Ernie and I have been progressing with the book, slowly but surely. I really thought we were a lot further in, but we were only at page 80 for 3 years. That is only 55 pages done since last year. We need to progress a lot quicker. This year has to be the year that we finally finish the book. I'm ready to be done with it, and to start selling it to an agent. I have all the proper tools to do so. Its time we both know it is. Finishing the book will make me happy.

April 27, 2009
This week is going to be super busy. I need to have strength and tons of rest. We are constantly moving, even when lying or sitting still. All of that motion requires energy. Energy that my hormones have sucked dry. Since it is that time of the month. But I am exhausted with being lazy and tired all the time. Tired is an excuse for laziness. I can't wait for our trip to Florida. We leave on Saturday. Ernie is still stressing about money. Now my aunt said that she will pay for one plane ticket to Hawaii. So Ernie and I will split one, and we both can go. I had put Hawaii so far out of my mind for this year. But its time to live!

April 29, 2009
How easy is it to manipulate someone? To change the entire conversation fitting of that one person. It must depend on how strong of a person one is. So strong to change either the mood or subject. But how can one person be so strong? How can one person have so much power? Lately at work I've been folding. Because its too much to fight back. Too much energy to go back and forth. My whole entire heart is not in it that much. So why should I bother? I have too much going on in my own life. And so does everyone else. What would happen if everyone everywhere just minded their own business? There is really no need to get involved. I find out so much information about others all the time, and I just want to keep it to myself. Let live and Let God. Tonight will be our 3rd church night. Every week lately, come Wednesday I feel like I need to be there. To hear the message. A very important message always. Especially since we're going to Florida this week. I will need to hear the good word to help guide me through.

April 30, 2009
Only one more day of work after today, and then we will be leaving for Florida. I am super excited about this trip. Disney World! I'm just happy to be spending more than 5 hours a day with Ernie. Not having days off together has really put a strain on our relationship. We were both unhappy. Its hard to not see the person you love happy. We only saw each other stressed out all the time after working all day. So this trip will be good for us. We both are in desperate need of a vacation.

April 30, 2009 - Night
Letty told me to build love today. At work as well as at home. Build love! Its hard to build love when you don't feel it all the time. I don't know how I lost the love. I don't know what happened. Its only been 3 weeks since my break down, but I lost love way before that. Why is it that we can't feel the same love anymore? I don't feel like the same person. I feel numb still. We've been going to church, 3 services so far and I'm trying. I know that I need to open myself up some more. For whatever reason I can't. I am trying to be patient. Its so easy for him to turn things off and go about his own music, but I don't have the current capability to just walk away to work on my book. I just want to be down with it. I don't want to need him so much. I hate having to be so dependent on him. He doesn't need me, he doesn't have to turn to me at all. He can just do whatever he wants. I need to be able to work on my own success. I should not have to to depend on others. Now he's coming in here because he's done so I have to drop everything. I am getting fed up with this.


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