Fear

On Wednesday I went to church with Ernie and my dad. Going back to church had to be the hardest thing that I have done. I was so afraid. Afraid of judgment, but from whom, and afraid to admit to myself that all along I just needed God in my life. Fear is apart of everyone's life, especially my own. As a child I was afraid of spiders, and the dark. I still am...afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to turn 25, which I conquered by the way...I conquered it crying the whole day. I'm so pathetic sometimes. I had to come to the realization that although I had plans for my life, not everything works out as planned. I am learning. I am trying.

So at church there was a guest speaker, author of No Matter What, Lisa Nichols. She started by asking the congregation, "What happens when failure is removed from the picture? When you can't fail?" I have been afraid of failing my whole life. Admitting my fears is the first step to overcoming them, that is my story and I'm sticking to it. I am admitting my faults and fears to move on from them. Lisa Nichols said that, no matter what you have to go for yours and go after what you really want in life. See the problem was that I know what I want from my life, and I'm afraid to go after it because I think I am going to fail.

I had to admit that I'm not happy with my life, or where I am right now. But what exactly is happiness, is happiness being careful in life, and afraid to fail? Is happiness not giving your all because you're afraid of what people will think? Is happiness trying to make other people happy? All of those things is what I've been doing. I have convinced myself that getting married will make me happy, because others have influenced me to believe so. After being with someone for 7 years, how can he not want to marry you? There must be something wrong with that picture. But the truth is, getting married won't make me any happier, especially since it is something that is forced upon me, because of societal standards. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy in life, in my relationship and with myself. It was probably when I was still in college 3 or 4 years ago. Before getting married became apart of my daily conversation, before writing took a backseat in my daily routine and before I failed at becoming a successful journalist.

I don't know why people become afraid. I feel like it has a lot to do with what we are bombarded with on a daily basis. The media, society and other people. Why do we listen to what others tell us? Why do I? I just want to be happy again, and I don't want to be afraid. So that is why I went to church, I need God to knock the fear out of me. I need direction and guidance in my life. I lost my way after graduation, and although I knew what I wanted to do, I couldn't give it my all, for fear of failing. So what happens when failure is completely removed from the picture? When failure is not an option? Stay tuned....