Ghosts of Relationships

If your father abused your mother then chances are you’re going to marry someone who abuses you too, right. If your mother cheated on your dad, than you will cheat on your husband, correct? There are so many statistics that will shock most women. If your parents are divorced, than you will more than likely end your marriage in divorce. The first example of relationships that we have comes from our parents. The way they love and care for each other sets the precedence for how we choose our mates and how we behave with them. Unfortunately, if your parents had a terrible relationship and it had a huge impact on your home life, you never receive a good example that one needs for a healthy relationship.

Well according to an article in Essence, all of the above is true. Essence calls it post-traumatic relationship disorder. The relationship you had with your father is a direct correlation of how your relationships will be. Essence explores how women can work to figure out where the trouble is in their relationships are now. I don’t know if I agree with these theories or not, because I feel like if a woman had a bad relationship with her father, than she tries to date someone who is the complete opposite. I think a lot of men date women who remind them of their mothers, if they had a good relationship with them. And some people, date men/women who are neither.

Growing up, my parents had a great relationship, and while they were married, my father and I had a great relationship. I was a daddy’s girl. He could do no wrong in my eyes. After their divorce things changed, and even now my perspective on my parents continues to change. My boyfriend does remind me of my father, in some ways. He is a hardworking man who takes care of me and our house hold. My father did the same for us, however my mother left him. So, I don’t know if that means after 18 years together, that I will leave my boyfriend. I don’t think your relationship can be justified by what your parents did. Our parents relationships can truly have an influence over us, and for women especially, their relationship with their fathers, can influence their love of their husbands.

Men don’t realize that their daughters look up to them, at such a young age, and depending on how they’re treated, they either want to disown their fathers, or find men who are just like them. I think if someone had a bad or rough child hood, they would do everything in their power not to go through the same thing as an adult. But how hard can someone try to not end up in a similar situation. What I want to know is how can you escape falling in to the same pattern as your parents. I know some women who have great relationships with their parents and they also have happy healthy marriages and children. But then the exact opposite is true as well. Do we dictate our own fate? How can someone change their alleged path?

Essence doesn’t give many solutions besides attending therapy to face the problems of your past, in order to help you with your present and future relationships. They don’t suggest blocking out your past entirely, but facing it head on. Dealing with the problems you had or may have with your father. Readjusting your perspective of yourself and your current relationship by viewing the person you’re with as an entirely new person, and not seeing them as your father. And not comparing your relationship to any in the past, or present. Each person, in my opinion, is very different. Even though there are studies and statistics that have already doomed my future marriage, to divorce, because of my parents, I can’t view my life like that. One of the biggest fears I have about getting married is getting divorced. I saw what my parents went through, and how they were happy for 18 years, and then it was done. It was over. I think that many children of divorced parents might agree with me. You can’t forget your past, because if you do, then you don’t know where you’re going. Your future is a reflection of your past, even if you’ve added a couple of twists and turns along the way, you have to look at your parents and family as people who have been there before. They have gone through everything that you have and then some.

Creating your own path is hard to do if you completely forget your past. If you ignore your parents or hate your father or mother, then it reflects how you feel about yourself. Not everyone has a great childhood, but completely ignoring it won’t change what you went through. It won’t change the past and there is nothing you can do to make your past better. The ghosts of relationships are your ancestors and your parent’s relationship. Those ghosts will come back to haunt you if you let them. The only thing I can do is learn from my parent’s mistakes and learn from their love. They did love each other and me, and that has not changed one bit. I feel like if you focus on the positives of the relationships then you can incorporate those positives in your own life. And if there were no positives, than you just have to learn from the negatives. But don’t ever forget those ghosts, because they will always be there in the back of your mind, in your bedroom, in your kitchen and in your life, whether you like it or not.