By Raheem Ballard aka Bernard Ballard (my cousin)
When my soul cries does anyone care if apart of me dies?
Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone willing to stare into these eyes
Shameless they are they stand in a world of their own, what makes it so hard to lend me a hand from your throne?
Maybe I'm too low to reach from that place which you rise
Another peaceful sun sets, and another part of me dies
The blood of my blood, from the loins of "John" we all came
From the mud to the resurrection, will you even remember my name?
Has the blacksheep been plagued in another chapter of the blackbook?
Foreknown by those who grin but despair as they look
Lest I return am I just a burden thats better off less said?
Sojourn with me in this realm of the awaking living dead
Maybe I'm too low to reach from that place which you rise
Is it my face you see in the last generations demise?
Does anyone care if apart of me dies?
Can you fathom the innermost tears of a man when his soul cries?
Written - 11/28/2005
"John" - referred to in the 3rd paragraph was our "great grandfather" who was a slave who married Flora Ann.
The term skinny is not only to be used to discuss people in terms of their size, however it is to be considered a way of life. Living a skinny or happy life; being skinny is a state of mind.
October 24, 2008
Vote no on Prop 9 - Californians
Dear Jill,
Hello & How are you cousin? As usual I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits. I tried calling you about a week or so ago. Did you get my voice mail? I think I tried calling back in the morning too. (But I got no answer) I was however able to get through to your dad. We talked for a bit, and I encouraged him to be in contact with you more. He sounded for the most part to be in good spirits, despite his growing concern for the shape of our present economy. Hopefully things will get better. Right now were on a "lockdown," and have been for the past week or so. I guess from what I heard there was a couple people who tried to escape, as well as a couple stabbings, so they will be looking for metal and weapons and altered cells. More than likely we'll be locked down for at least another week or two depending on how fast they search.
Any how, there's something enclosed in this letter I would like you to 'Blog' if at all possible. It's dealing with a new measure on the ballot called "prop 9", though it's under the heading of "Victims Rights," or "Marcy's law," it's designed to keep every "lifer" inmate with a "to life" sentence in prison for ever. Being that I am serving a "35 to life" sentence/ My earliest possible parole date is set for 2039. I would be 65 years old. Well if this law passes, they (the parole board) could wait until I'm 80 before they schedule me for the next hearing - instead of 1 to 5 years. What does that have to do with "victims rights"? In all honest, the victims rights were satisfied when I was found guilty and convicted with the attached sentence, not to mention the families right to be financially compensated for their loss, which is by the way deducted from every dollar sent to me or ever dollar earned by me, their (the victim's family) are also entitled to show up to my parole board hearings and express their feelings and thoughts as to why or why not I should be released.
So you see, this is just another way for them (the powers that be) to ensure that people with the "possibility of parole" (like myself) never get out. What's not surprising is the fact that it is disguised under something "beneficial," but in reality it's only a deceptive tool used by the money hungry greedy and wealthy to trick the masses. This measure is indeed a "death blow" to inmates like myself who may possibly have a chance to go home. Vote no on prop 9, and spread the word for me cousin. For more info you can go to stopmarcyslaw@yahoo.com. Well I'm gonna sign off for now cousin, I love you.
Hello & How are you cousin? As usual I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits. I tried calling you about a week or so ago. Did you get my voice mail? I think I tried calling back in the morning too. (But I got no answer) I was however able to get through to your dad. We talked for a bit, and I encouraged him to be in contact with you more. He sounded for the most part to be in good spirits, despite his growing concern for the shape of our present economy. Hopefully things will get better. Right now were on a "lockdown," and have been for the past week or so. I guess from what I heard there was a couple people who tried to escape, as well as a couple stabbings, so they will be looking for metal and weapons and altered cells. More than likely we'll be locked down for at least another week or two depending on how fast they search.
Any how, there's something enclosed in this letter I would like you to 'Blog' if at all possible. It's dealing with a new measure on the ballot called "prop 9", though it's under the heading of "Victims Rights," or "Marcy's law," it's designed to keep every "lifer" inmate with a "to life" sentence in prison for ever. Being that I am serving a "35 to life" sentence/ My earliest possible parole date is set for 2039. I would be 65 years old. Well if this law passes, they (the parole board) could wait until I'm 80 before they schedule me for the next hearing - instead of 1 to 5 years. What does that have to do with "victims rights"? In all honest, the victims rights were satisfied when I was found guilty and convicted with the attached sentence, not to mention the families right to be financially compensated for their loss, which is by the way deducted from every dollar sent to me or ever dollar earned by me, their (the victim's family) are also entitled to show up to my parole board hearings and express their feelings and thoughts as to why or why not I should be released.
So you see, this is just another way for them (the powers that be) to ensure that people with the "possibility of parole" (like myself) never get out. What's not surprising is the fact that it is disguised under something "beneficial," but in reality it's only a deceptive tool used by the money hungry greedy and wealthy to trick the masses. This measure is indeed a "death blow" to inmates like myself who may possibly have a chance to go home. Vote no on prop 9, and spread the word for me cousin. For more info you can go to stopmarcyslaw@yahoo.com. Well I'm gonna sign off for now cousin, I love you.
October 19, 2008
Sister Souljah is back
I just got my Essence and read some very exciting news...Sister Souljah is back with a book about Midnight...he was the protagonist's love interest in The Coldest Winter Ever...I read that book when I was 14, and it changed my life. I've read this book so many times, that I can recite it word from word, page to page. So now Souljah has come out with Midnight: A Gangsta Love Story, and I'm so freaking excited to read it.My friends and I would hold hour long discussions, at 15 about the coldest winter ever...about Winter Santiaga and her selfishness. We studied this book on our own. It was the second book I ever read for fun. I think they should make a movie about it because it is that great. I made my boyfriend read it, and he feels the same way. Even though the main character is a woman, its so easy to connect. You feel like you're on the streets of Brooklyn with Winter...and when she moved to Long Island, and left her hood, you felt for her.
So here is the blurb from Essence to get you prepared for the new book:
Nearly a decade ago, in The Coldest Winter Ever, Sister Souljah teased us with a mystifying brother called Midnight. Remember him? He was so fine and so deep that he was able to thaw hard-as-nails protagonist Winter Santiaga. Now in Midnight: A Gangsta Love Story ($26.95), this intoxicating character comes into sharper focus and tells his own fascinating tale.
Souljah creates a mesmerizing story about an honorable young man forced to live in a dishonorable world. It's a world that vexes and confuses him and one that will outrage and sadden you as you witness the choices that confront so many real-life men. Each day is a test as Midnight tries to reconcile his family's values with the harshness of the The Game. And then he falls in love, and nothing will ever be the same. - Ylonda Gault Caviness
Oh shit...but who does he fall in love with...Winter? Who? Damn I gotta go grab it.
~ JB
October 18, 2008
Penis Envy
I'm still reading The Feminine Mystique, and I came across penis envy...and I don't remember learning about that in school. I didn't take that many psychology classes, because of my major, Journalism, I was all over, but never had the opportunity to focus on that many other sources, besides black studies. So I googled penis envy, and got this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_envy
After confirming with some other readings, I know that wikipedia is correct in its definition, I never trust the first source I read...what kind of journalist/write would I be. So anyways, I always thought penis envy was the obvious, what it says. Women being envious of men for having penis'. But I thought even further than that. Men are so outward with every thing, from the genitals to their emotions. There are men who could fuck hundreds of women without any emotional attachment, and that is because their genitals are on the outside, no emotions or attachments. But since women are entered, we have so much inside of us, and women become instantly attached once they have intercourse, well some women. I just thought that women were envious of men because they are not as attached, on every level of life.
Well, anyways, after reading about what penis envy actually is, according to Freudian psychology, theory and/or thought, I began to wonder if that envy ever goes away. I did love my father as a child, and hated my mother, was it penis envy that made me feel like that, who knows. But now things have changed so much. Due to their divorce, I don't want to be like my parents, and I am hardly envious of either one of them. The theory according to what I read, says that young girls want to be like their mothers, because they have their fathers, and the penis envy is what makes them want their fathers. I guess that is where the term daddy's girl came from...and mama's boy, since the opposite is true for men. But once women grow older, and detach from their fathers, and move on to other men, does penis envy still exist? I wasn't able to get an answer from sites that I went to, I suppose I have to purchase the book, but I think the envy continues in other ways.
I can't say that the discovery that I made as a child, which lead me to knowing that I didn't have a penis, made me envious. I don't remember that far back, but nowadays I think if I was envious of men it would be for other reasons. The fact that they have penises means absolutely nothing to me, I suppose its the freedom attached to it that makes me jealous. However, the lack of a monthly menstrual cycle due to their penises, does piss me off. The fact that men feel invincible because of their penises is also another story. What gave men the right to feel invincible because of a genital difference? I can never understand that, but their physical strength is not due to their penis, maybe its their balls...anyways, that is not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is that right now, at this moment, the only thing that makes me jealous of a man, is the simplicity of their thoughts. Women are complicated and men are simple, right? Men come from Mars and women from Venus...
I just wish I could simplify my life like a man does. Simplify my morning routine, my day to day process....all the things that make me feminine, just sometimes not all the time. There are those days when I say fuck the make up, and I'll put on a baseball cap. The days where I will watch sports all day long, and lift weights, and exercise until I'm drowning in sweat, and I love those days more than any of the others. More than having the hair from my legs removed, and going to the beauty salon, applying mascara and dressing up. But I think the best thing about being a woman, which a man can never do, unless he is a cross dresser, is that I can be all of the above, in the same day even....sigh
After confirming with some other readings, I know that wikipedia is correct in its definition, I never trust the first source I read...what kind of journalist/write would I be. So anyways, I always thought penis envy was the obvious, what it says. Women being envious of men for having penis'. But I thought even further than that. Men are so outward with every thing, from the genitals to their emotions. There are men who could fuck hundreds of women without any emotional attachment, and that is because their genitals are on the outside, no emotions or attachments. But since women are entered, we have so much inside of us, and women become instantly attached once they have intercourse, well some women. I just thought that women were envious of men because they are not as attached, on every level of life.
Well, anyways, after reading about what penis envy actually is, according to Freudian psychology, theory and/or thought, I began to wonder if that envy ever goes away. I did love my father as a child, and hated my mother, was it penis envy that made me feel like that, who knows. But now things have changed so much. Due to their divorce, I don't want to be like my parents, and I am hardly envious of either one of them. The theory according to what I read, says that young girls want to be like their mothers, because they have their fathers, and the penis envy is what makes them want their fathers. I guess that is where the term daddy's girl came from...and mama's boy, since the opposite is true for men. But once women grow older, and detach from their fathers, and move on to other men, does penis envy still exist? I wasn't able to get an answer from sites that I went to, I suppose I have to purchase the book, but I think the envy continues in other ways.
I can't say that the discovery that I made as a child, which lead me to knowing that I didn't have a penis, made me envious. I don't remember that far back, but nowadays I think if I was envious of men it would be for other reasons. The fact that they have penises means absolutely nothing to me, I suppose its the freedom attached to it that makes me jealous. However, the lack of a monthly menstrual cycle due to their penises, does piss me off. The fact that men feel invincible because of their penises is also another story. What gave men the right to feel invincible because of a genital difference? I can never understand that, but their physical strength is not due to their penis, maybe its their balls...anyways, that is not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is that right now, at this moment, the only thing that makes me jealous of a man, is the simplicity of their thoughts. Women are complicated and men are simple, right? Men come from Mars and women from Venus...
I just wish I could simplify my life like a man does. Simplify my morning routine, my day to day process....all the things that make me feminine, just sometimes not all the time. There are those days when I say fuck the make up, and I'll put on a baseball cap. The days where I will watch sports all day long, and lift weights, and exercise until I'm drowning in sweat, and I love those days more than any of the others. More than having the hair from my legs removed, and going to the beauty salon, applying mascara and dressing up. But I think the best thing about being a woman, which a man can never do, unless he is a cross dresser, is that I can be all of the above, in the same day even....sigh
Tribune Co. may drop Associated Press stories
The parent company of the Los Angeles Times may end its contract with the Associated Press as the newspaper tries to cut costs.
Tribune Co. gave notice to the AP on Friday that it intends to stop using AP stories Oct. 15, 2010, a statement from the Chicago company said.
The statement did not say how much money it would save and Tribune spokesman Gary Weitman said the company cannot comment beyond the statement. A Baltimore Sun spokeswoman declined to comment further.
AP requires that its clients give two years notice before ending its subscription to the newswire service.
The announcement comes as daily metropolitan newspapers are struggling with a downturn in the economy and the loss of readers to the Internet. In August, the Sun eliminated 100 jobs as Tribune slashed hundreds of jobs at its newspapers, including the Times and its flagship Chicago Tribune.
This year Tribune became a privately held company after an $8.2 billion buyout led by Chicago real estate mogul Sam Zell.
AP spokesman Paul Colford said the Tribune’s notice gives the media company an opportunity to leave AP, but does not mean that the paper will necessarily drop AP.
Many newspapers file notices but then do not ultimately drop the service, he said.
“We understand that in this climate a lot of newspapers are reexamining their strategies,” an AP statement said.
The AP recently unveiled a new pricing rate that charges more for premium content. It takes effect next year.
October's 20 Questions
Actually, instead of only 20 questions its more like 20 thoughts and observations that I have had in the last couple weeks....
1. I actually saw gas go down today...you know the attendant was out there changing the sign to $3.33
2. When I drove by the AIG office building today, why did I have the sudden urge to blow it up?
3. Is there any house less than $800,000 around here?
4. What will scare you more this Halloween, the country's debt or scary decorations?
5. What exactly is "penis envy"?
6. My male turtle finally learned how to stand up to himself against the female one...he's on guard finally.
7. If Adam came first and then Eve, why do women always say, "ladies first"?
8. I can't think of the last time I was actually drunk
9. Does my imagination far exceed my expectation?
10. Do you want to slap Mc Cain too?
11. And speaking of Mc Cain, do you think he has the early on set of Alzheimer's disease?
12. I think I am having a quarter life crisis...I am so confused
13. When did you first fall in love with hip hop, music?
14. Curly or straight?
15. How many lives do you think you've had?
16. Is 130 lbs fat?
17. If your answer is no, then why am I stressing so much, damn???
18. Is there life after death?
19. Can't wait to the Lakers start....and can you believe the effin Red Sox..damn
20. Why does Joe Rogan on UFC look like Leonidas from 300?
1. I actually saw gas go down today...you know the attendant was out there changing the sign to $3.33
2. When I drove by the AIG office building today, why did I have the sudden urge to blow it up?
3. Is there any house less than $800,000 around here?
4. What will scare you more this Halloween, the country's debt or scary decorations?
5. What exactly is "penis envy"?
6. My male turtle finally learned how to stand up to himself against the female one...he's on guard finally.
7. If Adam came first and then Eve, why do women always say, "ladies first"?
8. I can't think of the last time I was actually drunk
9. Does my imagination far exceed my expectation?
10. Do you want to slap Mc Cain too?
11. And speaking of Mc Cain, do you think he has the early on set of Alzheimer's disease?
12. I think I am having a quarter life crisis...I am so confused
13. When did you first fall in love with hip hop, music?
14. Curly or straight?
15. How many lives do you think you've had?
16. Is 130 lbs fat?
17. If your answer is no, then why am I stressing so much, damn???
18. Is there life after death?
19. Can't wait to the Lakers start....and can you believe the effin Red Sox..damn
20. Why does Joe Rogan on UFC look like Leonidas from 300?
October 11, 2008
The American Dream
For as long as I can remember all I wanted to do was write, for a fashion magazine. My love of fashion came at such an early age. When I was 10 or 11 my best friend and I created a fashion magazine. J & S Fashions…we drew all the pictures, and used our Barbie’s clothes as the basis for the clothes we displayed in our magazine. Even though we only did two issues, I’ve always loved magazines. The glossy pages, the smell of the perfume advertisements seeping through every single page, the bright colors of spring fashion versus the darker subdued fall fashions, I can’t decide which season I love the most.
However, after graduating from college with my degree in Journalism, the magazine world was not so eager to hire me. I wasn’t able to do an internship because I had to work all four years, while I was in school, so the opportunity to get my foot in the door never came knocking. I continue to subscribe to all these magazines, but now when I look at them I don’t see hope, I just see my American Dream fading. With the way this economy is going, and all the bull shit on the news I just feel like I’m going further and further away from that dream. As I look at these glossy pages, with the $1,200 shoes and the $6,000 Gucci rings, and all of the other things that I feel like I’m never going to be able to afford it just makes me upset. Upset at this consumerist world and the fact that no matter how bad it gets, the people who can afford all of those things never have to worry. So here I am, at 24, wondering how my life is going to play out and if I am able to obtain all the things that I want in life. And not just the materialistic things either, just the normal things that people get in life, like marriage, buying a house, having children…the American Dream.
I know that I’m still young but my focus and direction have to be somewhere. I’ve never been the type to party every weekend, and just have fun, without a sense of direction or dreams. This American Dream that everyone has, this dream that brings hundreds of thousands of immigrants here each year. A dream that almost guaranteed people a job, a place to live and grow their family; the most simplistic dream, to just be free and live your life happily ever after. Is this dream still possible? More and more people are loosing their homes, and living in apartments, or even out on the streets. My boyfriend/fiancé and I have decided, well we don’t need a wedding, even though I want one, and we can stay in this one bed room apartment for a few more years, and we can wait until we’re in our late 30’s to have children. Our parents didn’t have to go through what we are dealing with today. Both of them had houses by the time they were our ages, or at least about to get a house. They were married and having children. If they knew that their children would be struggling as hard as we are, would they have wanted us to reach for the American Dream. How could they have known that things were going to get worse and not better?
The quality of life is so different too. There are people younger than me, who are rich off their asses, and spending money like crazy, and for what? For having no talent, or for hardly doing work, yet they look beautiful, and people look up to them. Is that the new American Dream? Offer nothing to the American public, and get everything for doing nothing. Some of these people are getting millions of dollars a year, and our country is continuing to struggle. I don’t know if I’m the only one who sees something wrong with this picture. I think if we cut some of these people’s salaries, foot ball players, and baseball players…why do they need to get up to $250 million for playing a sport they supposedly love? It’s the American people who support them, but they could care less if I never reach my dreams and goals in life. If I sound a little angry and bitter, it’s because I am just a little angry and bitter. Now, forget about all those people, and what about the heads of
What I don’t understand is how things changed so much, and how people are still able to afford things? In
In the 1990’s, my life was so different, we had a Mercedes Benz, an Alfa Romero, and a third car, a home, and my parents made over $100,000 a year…and now 18 years later, they make the same…minus all of the other amenities, like marriage, and a house and luxury vehicles. I’ve talked to a lot of people who say that they are making the same as they did 20 years ago, and the price of living continues to grow. The house that I grew up in, the one my parents bought in the 80’s for $115,000 is now on the market for $1 million. I don’t think they would be able to afford the house now, since they’re making the same.
As I turn the pages of my new Harper’s Bazaar and Lucky, I guess I’ll continue dreaming, about the simplest things in life, like those Versace shoes, working at a magazine as a writer, having a dream wedding by the beach that we want, that honey moon in Italy, getting a nice home, so our dog can have a back yard, and having two kids someday….just American dreaming.
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