Standing by her man

When Gina* married Derek* three years ago, everything was great. She found a man who accepted her and her 7 year old daughter. Derek proposed with a three diamond 3 carat engagement ring, "one for me, one for him and one for my daughter." It was too good to be true. Gina moved out of her parent's house, and in to Derek's two bedroom, two bathroom style condo on the beach. "We dated for less than a year before he proposed, I just knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with," Gina said.

Unfortunately Gina was unaware of Derek's financial troubles. She spent most of her twenties paying off her bills and obtaining a credit score over 700. But after marrying Derek, she slowly began to find out that he has a spending problem. "Derek goes golfing every weekend, and it is very expensive. I wish I had the luxury of spending money on outside activities like he does, but in this economy, I'm trying so hard to save." Gina opened up a separate checking account to have part of her paycheck deposited in to every month, and hasn't told Derek. "Every time I get paid, the money is gone. I feel like what am I working for. If my daughter needs something, Derek is there for her, to purchase whatever she needs, but I feel like I have no control over my money or how it is spent."

Last year Derek did the unthinkable. He bought a car without telling Gina. He put the car in her name, using her social security number. "The only reason I found out was because Toyota kept calling me regarding a quote on a Tundra. He still has his Expedition and we're still paying for the Acura. I don't know why he wants to buy another car." The worse part about it, is because his credit is so shitty, everything is under her name. They are married, and have everything joint, so Derek can take advantage of her good credit. "I thought keeping everything together would make it easier. Derek told me it was the best thing for our marriage, to have the money together."

This week Derek and Gina filed for bankruptcy. I asked her what happened, "Our lawyers and financial advisers said this was the best thing for us to do. Apparently Derek was worse off than I thought. He is $90,000 in debt and we can't pay for anything. We have three cars, and all these bills. All of these bills are his bills, not mine. But because we're married, I get dragged down too." Gina is standing by her husband, although she knows it could take 9 to 10 years now-a-days to get out of her situation, there is nothing else she can do. "I rather be there by his side then have him do it without me." A marriage is supposed to be about honesty and having things out in the open. I can't understand why Derek would keep all these secrets from Gina and put her and her daughter at jeopardy. Their Ford Expedition has been taken away and they have to renegotiate their other two car loans. Gina's parents are disappointed and upset, but she is 31 and he is 37, they should have known better right? So how can this situation be avoided in the future. Gina gave Derek an ultimatum. "I told him that this is it, I am by his side this time, but if he doesn't get his act together then I am leaving. My daughter and I will go. I can't be mad at him anymore because I've screamed until I was blue in the face. But this is a lesson learned."

That lesson is to be open about your money in you relationship. If you decide on having a joint account, be sure the bills are paid first, before anything else. This is just the standard rule. E and I know each other's financial situations...we should after 7 years together. We know each other's credit scores and what we can do to improve them and what we have been doing to work on that. We are going to try to purchase a Condo this year, so its important for us to have our finances under control.

In this month's Details, (yes I subscribe to men's publications too) suggest keeping separate accounts. And if you decide on a joint account, keep a separate account for your own expenses. When my parents were married, they had one account for the bills and their own accounts for whatever they wanted. Whether they spent money on me, or gifts for each other or vacations. They were able to work things out, and made sure the bills, mortgage, car notes, etc...were paid. E and I haven't decided what we were going to do, when and if we get married. My total debt is, $2000 while his is much more. I am working to pay off my bills so I can save money. But if we did have a joint account, I would have more money left over each month than he does, and his paycheck is triple mine. I don't think it would work out for us. Now after what happened to my friend Gina, I am very nervous about the whole joint account thing.

~ JB

* These are real people whose names have been changed