To Wed or Not to Wed
Summer 2005
Go to google.com and type in “marriage and divorce,” and there it is: “Start your divorce online now!”
It’s that easy! And if you don’t have a divorce lawyer google.com has links to
I don’t understand why certain relationships become unhappy after marriage. I know people whose relationships were fine until they got married and now at the age of 30 they are divorcing? Is marriage really worth it if you’re just going to divorce in the long run?
Natalie and John Moore* are separating after only five years of marriage. “We both want different things in our lives at this moment,” says the 30 year old, who recently completed her degree in Journalism. “I think maybe we were too young when we got married. John wants to start a family and I’m ready to start my career.” John, 38, is devastated with Natalie’s decision to end their marriage. She is moving back to her home country to get far away from him. “Our marriage feels like it was a sham,” says John. “I really loved her, but I feel like she just used me.”
“I just need to start over, I’m not finding any work in Los Angeles so I think going back home and clearing my head and seeing my family will either make me change my mind, or stick to my decision,” says Natalie. The couple met 8 years ago in
According to a 2002 study by Divorce Magazine, men first get married at the age of 27 and women at the age of 25. The age of divorce for men is 30 and for women it is 29. So does this mean that most marriages in the
The median duration of first marriages that end in divorce is approximately 8 years. The study also says that only 65% of marriages make it to the 10th year of their anniversary and only 5% make it to their 50th year of marriage. What happened to death do us part? I guess it went out the window.
Miranda and Joseph Thomas* first met in high school and they have been together ever since, that was over 20 years ago. Their marriage faced hardships early on; Miranda’s uncle was died from cancer and the couple spent their honeymoon at a funeral.
They spent the first 10 years of their marriage trying to conceive but Miranda miscarried every time. “It was hard on us to be so young and so unhappy,” said Miranda. “Joseph just wanted a son and I just wanted a girl.” Finally the couple thought that their dreams were answered when Miranda was pregnant with twins. “I was so happy, we couldn’t have asked for anything more.” Unfortunately in Miranda’s third trimester her father was diagnosed with cancer and due to the stress and unhappiness of the mother-to-be, she lost the babies. Their marriage took a turning point, the couple moved in with her parents to help take care of Miranda’s father.
“It was so hard for us to just be ‘normal’ due to all the shit we were going through in our lives. We were only in our thirties, but I suddenly felt like an old man,” said Joseph. “I kept asking Miranda, didn’t you just move out of your parent’s house to be with me? Why are we back here? We just bought a condo and I wasn’t ready to sell it.”
Joseph found himself going back and forth from their condo to her parent’s house to help with the father. The couple didn’t even have a chance to enjoy each other alone. “We didn’t sleep in the same bed for a long time and didn’t have sex anymore. She was stressed about her father, loosing the babies and about my unhappiness. But I couldn’t leave her, not in that state of mind,” said Joseph.
“I lost weight, I cut off all my hair, I just wanted it to be easier for taking care of daddy,” said Miranda.
Unfortunately all of this unhappiness led Joseph to explore other sexual options. Joseph began cheating and with Miranda constantly at her parent’s house the condo gave him the perfect opportunity. Joseph has cheated on Miranda several times and suspicions are that he is doing it again. Their marriage has gone through a lot but Miranda is tired of the infidelity and she is headed for court to file a divorce. After her father passed Miranda just stayed at her parents house all the time because it was comfort for her. She spent 5 years of her already 15 year marriage there. She still lives with her mother to take care of her and Joseph comes and goes as he pleases.
“I can’t divorce him I want to make it work between us. We have been together since we were 15 and I love him. Family is the most important thing so of course I have to be there to take care of them,” said Miranda.
Joseph didn’t want to comment anymore on his marriage but he did add that, “bad luck surrounds her and her family. We have been to so many funerals for people in her family, and I just can’t deal with it anymore. It is so depressing.”
*Note…I wrote this in 2005; Joseph and Miranda are still in the same situation.
Married women you need to pay attention to these shocking statistics that came from a poll in Oprah Magazine in 2004, 1 in 3 men remove their wedding rings when they go out without their wives. 1 in 3 of the husbands! So if six married men came in to a bar there will be two of them without their wedding rings, single women look out! Look for the tan lines. There are 80% of men who were caught cheating and only 64% of those couples stayed together after the affair. Of those couples that remained together after the affair 78% describe their marriage as unhappy and empty. This leads me to our next couple.
Brenda and Steven Robinson* have known each other since they were 6 years old. YES! 6 years old! They have been married for over 20 years and have two children together. Steven’s job, (I was asked to protect his job title) let’s just say a computer analyst, requires him to travel all the time and Brenda is an interior decorator. If you were to see these two in public you would think they were so happy together. They compliment each other. But their history as a couple does not look so pleasant. Four years ago Brenda caught Steven cheating on her with one of his co-workers. She was devastated to discover that the love of her life, her soul mate would do such a thing.
“He was always gone. There were times when he wouldn’t even come home for days and I would have to explain to the children where their father was.”
Brenda was crying every day wondering where he was. “I asked him why! How could you do this to me? He told me, ‘You are a selfish bitch! You only care about yourself and I’m tired of not being your equal’.”
Brenda cried everyday for months. She lost over 20 pounds and fell in to a deep depression. She believed that her marriage is worth it and she would rather be in the marriage unhappy then alone and unhappy.
Listening to this story led me to ask myself; Why do people choose to be in marriage if they are unhappy? Are there still people out there that have the same love about their spouses like they did in the beginning?
Even though Steven has cheated on Brenda she has forgiven him and they have moved on with their lives. Just talking about him and remembering all the things they went through brings a smile to her face. She has a genuine love for him; and when asked about the infidelity she laughs and just remembers how she felt during those years in their marriage. She told me that it was all worth it because she was able to view herself differently and she gained a deep understanding about why he cheated on her to begin with. She doesn’t blame herself but in some ways she does, because she was a selfish person at that time and he wanted more from her. That doesn’t excuse his behavior but she appreciates their marriage and what they have gone through and they love each other more and more everyday.
* Note…since 2005 Brenda is suspicious that Steven is cheating on her again. He travels for weeks at a time to
With these three scenarios it seems that marriage is not all what it’s cracked up to be? It looks good on paper and the wedding ceremony seems like a nice thing to go to but what happens after the honeymoon is over. I’m still young but I need to know what happens afterwards. Do people just move on with their lives and stay happy? Or am I doomed to the same unhappy fate as others? There are only a select few married couples that I know who are still happy in their marriages. It’s hard for me to make sense of the excuse that people change over time. If that is what’s known before the marriage then what’s the point of getting married to begin with. If someone was to tell me that your marriage is going to end in divorce or that my husband would cheat on me then why would I want to go through that heart ache and pain?
Why do married people cheat? For better or for worse til’ death do us part… or until Jennifer, Connie, Bill and Paul break up the marriage. My original thought about cheating lead me to further investigate what’s the point of reciting those vows when people just end up cheating anyway? I just don’t understand what leads married people to cheat on their spouses. If someone is unhappy in their marriage chances are that they were unhappy in their relationship from the beginning so why did they get married?
(*Note….this update was made during the time I did this story)
As for Joseph and Miranda’s marriage, Joseph does not condone his behavior but he does want Miranda to know that he still loves her and cares about her. They met in high school and they have been together ever since. Joseph is not planning on marrying or staying committed to the “Jane Doe” that he cheated on Miranda with but he feels like he needs a break from their marriage. Joseph didn’t have a reason as to why he originally began cheating on Miranda but he did agree with my theory that he was unhappy with the relationship from the beginning so they should have never married. Joseph says that unfortunately it happens too often that people get together when they are young and get married because they have just been together already; and then the problems arise later.
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