So Thursday I traveled beyond my norm...below Wilshire...below Venice to where I used to always hang out...no not in the hood...in Culver City. Don't even ask why I don't like to travel too far into that area, it just brings back some old memories. So anyways, my boyfriend and I got some food, sat outside and ate and people watched. We love to do that. He thinks I'm crazy because I like to make up little back stories for everyone. What can I say, I'm creative.
There is this guy sitting next to us, he was tall, looked creole, he had curly hair, a good looking pretty boy type. And he's with this little fluffy white dog. The dog kept fucking barking, and barking...I love animals, but my dog doesn't bark like that. He is trained. But this dog was going nuts. I guess it was because his owner was inside, the guy's chick.
So she comes out, serving him food, and she even says, "I'm like your waitress." She was loving it. She was darker, with dreadlocks, she looked very earthy in my opinion. Like India Arie, before she cut off all her hair. I'm thinking, why is she with this pretty boy guy, this wanna be guy. This is the story I'm making up, right, but they are completely fitting in to everything that I thought.
He wanted to know what she ordered for him, he complained that she got him pinto beans and not black beans, and he should have gone in there an ordered for himself, etc... The whole time I'm thinking, why is she, a beautiful Nubian princess, even with such an asshole like that. Man, she brought you food, that is what I wanted to tell him. She didn't have to. Because I would have sat outside and watched the dog, while my man ordered for me, and took care of me, like he does. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind cooking for him, serving him and doing things for him, but I like that shit reciprocated.
I don't believe in the one way relationship. That is how people end up getting cheated on. And that is for real. He gets up the nerve to eat the food, I mean shit, she already fucked up his order, meanwhile as she is getting situated with the dog on her lap and making sure he has all the proper hot sauce that he needs, he is so busy checking out every girl that walks by, any girl in his parameter, me included.
Now I wanted to slap him...because his pissy attitude upset me, and he reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, who was a pretty boy too. But you know, I can't get involved in other people's bullshit, I had to learn the hard way. And unfortunately, she is a lot older than I was, when I went through the same shit. Waiting hand and foot for a man. That is out. And I could have possibly imagined the whole thing, because I have that type of imagination. I make something out of nothing...all the time. That is one of my greatest attributes and flaws all in one.
My take on the situation, is that she doesn't think she is worthy enough to find a man that is so into her, he forgets about himself for a minute. A man that stares at her, and not anyone else. A man that will kiss her feet and lay out rose petals on the ground she walks in. A man she can respect and look to for business and financial advice because he has his shit together. That is the type of man that she needs to know she is worth. Not some fucking pretty boy who can't even afford shoes better than some old ass dingy whitish/yellow Adidas. Ha!
I love my man
Holla!
The term skinny is not only to be used to discuss people in terms of their size, however it is to be considered a way of life. Living a skinny or happy life; being skinny is a state of mind.
August 9, 2008
Bernie Mac dies at 50
Comedian Bernie Mac died this morning in a Chicago hospital
Comedian and actor Bernie Mac (Bob Fila, Chicago Tribune / December 6, 2000)
Mac, 50, had been hospitalized for about a week at Northwestern Hospital, according to his spokeswoman. A few years ago, Mac disclosed that he suffered from sarcoidosis, a rare autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in tissue, most often in the lungs.
The comic born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough could cut an imposing figure. He stood 6-foot-3, was built like a fullback and carried himself with a bouncer's reticence. But perhaps the strongest weapon in the Chicago comedian's arsenal was that voice, that amalgam of thought and a delivery that could rise like a tidal wave, outpace a Gatling gun and remained, to his last days, loud and unapologetic.
He wasn't scared, he told us time and again, to tell anyone what he thought, to say what others were afraid to say. That fearlessness wasn't always welcome, considering Mac didn't get his big break until his 30s. But when he did, the comic skyrocketed to success in stand-up, television and the big screen.
Mac shared screen time with some of Hollywood's larger-than-life leading men, co-starring with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon in the "Ocean's 11" remake and subsequent sequels.
Most recently, Mac garnered attention for making unsavory comments at a Barack Obama benefit that the presumptive Democratic candidate had to distance himself from.
Growing up on the South Side a hard-core White Sox fan, Mac discovered early on that he wanted to make a go at being a comedian.
Before his 10th birthday, Mac was performing comedy standup, honing his skills on CTA trains and parks before graduating to well-known haunts like the Regal Theater and the Cotton Club. He came to a realization during those first years as a struggling comic: If he could kill in front of a black crowd, he could kill in any crowd.
"Black audiences are hard," he told the New York Times in 2002. "You got to come with a little extra to satisfy them."
He also learned that comedy isn't a lucrative business when you are starting out. During those lean years in the '80s, Mac drove a Wonder Bread delivery truck to pay the bills.
Life changed dramatically for Mac when he was 32. He won the Miller Lite comedy search that year and that performance took him to the standup stage, which ultimately led to regular performances on popular shows like HBO's "Def Comedy Jam."
In a few short years, he was able to put a stamp on this tell-it-like-it-is brand of comedy that audiences had come to know him for. He was a hit on the stage, delivering sordid tales of his early life growing up on Chicago's South Side.
His work hit home to the African American audience -- his aggressive, brash comedy had a down home feel to it, tackling everything from family life to black romantic relationships -- yet Mac was able to cross it over, connecting with a majority entertainment scene.
"When I started in comedy in the clubs in 1977, blacks couldn't do certain clubs -- not because they were segregated. They just didn't want to put the [black comics] out there. In Los Angeles, the clubs would have a black night. People would say, 'Why don't you come by and do something?' I would say, 'I'm a comedian -- don't put a title on me.' Don't limit yourself. How you start is how you finish," he told the Tribune in 2007. "If you let people put tags on you, you'll never be able to remove them. You've got to make people respect you. Respect is bigger than dollars and cents."
Mac got his respect and he gained national attention after his set on HBO's popular late-night series Def Comedy Jam in 1992. Decked out in a pair of jeans with his face illustrated, graffiti-style, on the right pants leg, Mac expounded on one taboo subject after another, from the benefits of snitching to his prowess in the bedroom.
"I ain't scared of you [expletive]!" became his signature tagline.
Many took note of the blue comic's performance, which later led to a bit part in 1992's "Mo' Money," and later an HBO Special, "Midnight Mac."
In 1995, Mac earned a spot in the cult-classic "Friday," and the film helped Mac break out. His portrayal of Pastor Clever was one of the film's highlights, however small it was. He followed it up with bit roles in other films, including "Booty Call," and "Def Jam's: How to Be a Player."
But he wanted more.
Mac sowed the seeds for his success on a cloudy day in North Carolina while taping the 2000 Spike Lee concert film, "The Original Kings of Comedy." There, on a rain-soaked basketball court, buttressed by co-stars Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley and Steve Harvey, Mac issued a challenge to Hollywood:
"Do I have a television show? Nah," Mac told the cameras. "Why? 'Cause you scared of me, Scared I'm a say something. You [expletive] right. Think I won't say something?!"
A year later, Mac got his chance. "The Bernie Mac Show" debuted on Fox in November 2001, drawing critical acclaim, numerous awards, including two Emmy nominations for Mac and, most important, high ratings. Its premiere episode drew 11.4 million viewers. The second episode, which immediately followed the first, drew 12.4 million.
For the next four years, Mac spoke to the American public--via a break in the fourth wall a la Dobie Gillis--with all the befuddlement of a 40-something taskmaster father lost in a sea of talk therapy and "timeouts." "Now, America," Mac would often begin before going into a rant about undisciplined children, cuddling parents or, one of his favorite topics, the differences between black and white people.
But in 2005, the show went off the air. Several reasons contributed to cancellation: The show's ratings had dropped, Mac was getting more lucrative offers from the movie studios. Before the 2000 concert film, Mac's biggest credit was a recurring role on "Moesha."
But Mac's health was also a factor. In 2004, he halted production on the show while recovering from exhaustion. A year later, he disclosed that he suffered from sarcoidosis, a rare autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in tissue, most often in the lungs.
In spite of that, his star had risen a great deal. In addition to the highly popular "Oceans" films, he co-starred with Ashton Kutcher in a reverse remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" in 2005.
Last spring, Mac said that he was hanging up his standup career, and instead would focus more on movies. In 2007, he co-starred in "Ocean's Thirteen," "Pride" and had a role in the blockbuster "Transformers."
Scheduled for release is "Soul Men," with Samuel L. Jackson, which will be released this year, and "Old Dogs," with Robin Williams, which is due next year.
Mac is survived by his wife Rhonda McCullough, their daughter, Je'Niece, a son-in-law and a granddaughter, Jasmine.
August 7, 2008
20 more questions
So I have 20 more questions for you all....
1. Will gas prices ever go back to normal?
2. What about the job and housing market?
3. Speaking of which, do you think that whomever the next president is, that they will really change things?
4. Do things ever really change?
5. Why do so many of you read my blog, but never post a comment?
6. Why does my dog always stare at me, what is going on in his mind?
7. What do you think would happen if I wasn't around? Nothing? Or something?
8. What are your life's goals and ambitions?
9. Do you feel like you're reaching towards those goals or ambitions?
10. How do you really feel about technology?
11. What makes you a better a person?
12. Will the "east" coast ever speak to the "west" coast again?
13. Can you forgive me?
14. Why does it cost $600 to fly to New York?
15. Will I ever be able to afford to go back?
16. Will I ever see you again?
17. How do you know your purpose here on earth?
18. What is a $ 1 really worth these days?
19. What happened to the youth?
20. Are we still at war? If you're not directly related or correlated with it, do you even notice?
1. Will gas prices ever go back to normal?
2. What about the job and housing market?
3. Speaking of which, do you think that whomever the next president is, that they will really change things?
4. Do things ever really change?
5. Why do so many of you read my blog, but never post a comment?
6. Why does my dog always stare at me, what is going on in his mind?
7. What do you think would happen if I wasn't around? Nothing? Or something?
8. What are your life's goals and ambitions?
9. Do you feel like you're reaching towards those goals or ambitions?
10. How do you really feel about technology?
11. What makes you a better a person?
12. Will the "east" coast ever speak to the "west" coast again?
13. Can you forgive me?
14. Why does it cost $600 to fly to New York?
15. Will I ever be able to afford to go back?
16. Will I ever see you again?
17. How do you know your purpose here on earth?
18. What is a $ 1 really worth these days?
19. What happened to the youth?
20. Are we still at war? If you're not directly related or correlated with it, do you even notice?
August 5, 2008
Life
Ever wonder what one has to do to get sentenced to life in jail. Perhaps if they take a person's life, then that is how they should be treated. An eye for an eye type of deal. Or an attempted murder charge, that is sure to get someone life in prison. What if you didn't do anything? Nothing at all, but yet you just happened to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Now I can't vouch for total innocence, because hanging out with the wrong type of people will ultimately come back to haunt you. So my cousin, who is currently in his 30's and has been incarcerated for 6 years, is serving a 25 year to LIFE sentence. He was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong people. However, he was the only one that was caught. We write letters to each other from time to time. I send him books, stamps or money, whatever he needs while he's there.
I just wanted to publish a letter that he recently sent me, because I thought it was interesting.
Dear Jill,
Hello cousin. Just go your letter yesterday, so I figured I would get right back at you. As usual I hope all is well. As for me, I'm doing o.k. You said you wanted to "know everything," so I'll fill you in on the differences of where I came from which was "Pelican Bay."
First of all, it's (Pelican Bay) a "level 4" which is a "high security" institution. That means there is very little movement. (Meaning every little thing is controlled) there. You are in your cell just about all day EVERYDAY. Here, it's way different. When I got off the bus this is what I saw. A full field for soccer with "real" soccer goals with nets. Guys playing tennis on a real tennis court. Some dude with a sixties appearance playing an acoustic guitar.
It was like I arrived at a "country club" or something, because all this was foreign to me. Here, they let you out of your cell just about all day. That's the difference between a "level -3 " and a "level - 4."
I'm also taking some college courses for the summer. I'm taking a "self help" course here also on Saturdays and teaching introductory Arabic. Staying busy is the key. You said that I look "very different." Well, I'm going on 35 and I've been down since 2002. I've gained some weight, I'm (200 pounds even) and I've got a few extra muscles :)
Maybe the beard makes me look more older. But sometimes cousin, I can't help but to wear a stressful look because the conditions that I exist in are not normal. However, I will not allow these oppressive conditions to dictate my happiness.
But enough about me, how are you and your dad doing? Have you two made up? I sure do hope so. Now when are you and your boyfriend gonna get married? (The sooner the better) I got a letter from "Dia". She just got married and now lives in Indiana. I'm so happy for her. I hope school is going well for you too. If you can, send me some pics of you. The only one I have is of you with somebody "cut off" on the other side. Any how, I'm gonna sign off for now, I love you so much. Take care and send the fam my love.
Now I can't vouch for total innocence, because hanging out with the wrong type of people will ultimately come back to haunt you. So my cousin, who is currently in his 30's and has been incarcerated for 6 years, is serving a 25 year to LIFE sentence. He was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong people. However, he was the only one that was caught. We write letters to each other from time to time. I send him books, stamps or money, whatever he needs while he's there.
I just wanted to publish a letter that he recently sent me, because I thought it was interesting.
Dear Jill,
Hello cousin. Just go your letter yesterday, so I figured I would get right back at you. As usual I hope all is well. As for me, I'm doing o.k. You said you wanted to "know everything," so I'll fill you in on the differences of where I came from which was "Pelican Bay."
First of all, it's (Pelican Bay) a "level 4" which is a "high security" institution. That means there is very little movement. (Meaning every little thing is controlled) there. You are in your cell just about all day EVERYDAY. Here, it's way different. When I got off the bus this is what I saw. A full field for soccer with "real" soccer goals with nets. Guys playing tennis on a real tennis court. Some dude with a sixties appearance playing an acoustic guitar.
It was like I arrived at a "country club" or something, because all this was foreign to me. Here, they let you out of your cell just about all day. That's the difference between a "level -3 " and a "level - 4."
I'm also taking some college courses for the summer. I'm taking a "self help" course here also on Saturdays and teaching introductory Arabic. Staying busy is the key. You said that I look "very different." Well, I'm going on 35 and I've been down since 2002. I've gained some weight, I'm (200 pounds even) and I've got a few extra muscles :)
Maybe the beard makes me look more older. But sometimes cousin, I can't help but to wear a stressful look because the conditions that I exist in are not normal. However, I will not allow these oppressive conditions to dictate my happiness.
But enough about me, how are you and your dad doing? Have you two made up? I sure do hope so. Now when are you and your boyfriend gonna get married? (The sooner the better) I got a letter from "Dia". She just got married and now lives in Indiana. I'm so happy for her. I hope school is going well for you too. If you can, send me some pics of you. The only one I have is of you with somebody "cut off" on the other side. Any how, I'm gonna sign off for now, I love you so much. Take care and send the fam my love.
August 3, 2008
The Artist
Rapper
Singer
Musician
Producer
Its all an art
Writer
Broadcaster
Poet
Story Teller
Its all an art
Director
Photographer
Cinematographer
Its all an art
Artist
Painter
Sculptor
Its all still an art
So what happens when these lives
collide
combine
and intertwine
Are we all just one person
reaching for the same thing
the mic, the pencil, the paintbrush and the camera
Explain how badly we need each other
to complete the photo, the sentence and the lyric
The artist is not only good at their art
but great at all art
you see the world through that lens, that sound, that word
The artist has and will always be an artist who respects all art
so when their powers combine...like captain planet
you get the perfect beat
the best verse
the most complex protagonist
and the greatest piece of art ever seen by the naked eye
The artist is the shit and can't be touched
Singer
Musician
Producer
Its all an art
Writer
Broadcaster
Poet
Story Teller
Its all an art
Director
Photographer
Cinematographer
Its all an art
Artist
Painter
Sculptor
Its all still an art
So what happens when these lives
collide
combine
and intertwine
Are we all just one person
reaching for the same thing
the mic, the pencil, the paintbrush and the camera
Explain how badly we need each other
to complete the photo, the sentence and the lyric
The artist is not only good at their art
but great at all art
you see the world through that lens, that sound, that word
The artist has and will always be an artist who respects all art
so when their powers combine...like captain planet
you get the perfect beat
the best verse
the most complex protagonist
and the greatest piece of art ever seen by the naked eye
The artist is the shit and can't be touched
Love Lessons : 1 & 4
Part 1 - First Love
I think many people confuse their first love, with being their true love. In my case, there is 10 year difference in my age between the two. When you're young, and you first fall in love, you don't know what do with yourself. You loose all control. My first boyfriend was my friend's cousin. He was 3 1/2 years older than us and I would go to her house every day just to see him. We talked for 4 months before we even started dating, which is good, because I like to take things slow. Everything was so fresh and new and exciting. We didn't have money to go out and do things, there were school dances, and parties. We went ice skating every Saturday, it was only $8 then, lord only knows how much it costs now. We went to the movies, only $3.75 per ticket. We just wanted to spend time together. It was cute, innocent love. I remember when we first held hands, I was so nervous. But all of those good and new feelings can be confusing when you're young. I didn't even know what love was.
But all I knew was that I wanted to be on the phone with him and talk to him if I couldn't see him. He was dealing with things in his home life, that was far beyond my current level of maturity. Both of his parents were raging alcoholics. His father abused his mother, so she left him. His father would verbally abuse him, I don't know if he ever laid hands on him, but I know that when he was in one of his drunken fits he would yell at him for no reason. When you're young and in love, you don't see things like that. You don't realize the pain another person is going to. I call the first love, a selfish love. At least for me it was. I didn't fully love my self yet, how could I, I was only 14. We dated for almost 2 years. His family moved him to Idaho, to stay with his other aunt and to finish high school.
Long distance for 2 months worked out alright, or at least I thought it did. When he came back, he broke up with me. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, and that it was time for him to start taking care of himself. See, he had taken care of his father and his family this whole time. He was not in the position to take care of me too. He graduated high school in Idaho, moved back, and got an apartment with his cousins. Of course I didn't understand, ugh, and I did the most embarrassing thing possible. Something I advise no women to ever do. I walked to the park where he was playing basketball with his friends, and sat there and cried. I looked like such a fool. Such an idiot. But that is the price you pay for love sometimes. I don't think I have ever been that heartbroken before. My heart was still weak then, still new to love then. I cried for a month straight. I think I was an outlet for him. He needed some escape from his personal life, and I was there..for 2 years. But when he moved away, and got his head cleared and looked inside himself, he realized that he didn't need me anymore. Which is fine, I helped him through some difficult times. My mother would make him dinner, because he couldn't get it at home. I was apart of his life to be there when he cried and when he couldn't stand being at home or with his family constantly nagging. The perfect escape route.
And whenever I wanted to hang out with my friend, he would be there. Talk about stabbing yourself in the eye. He started dating some old girls from his college, and I would just talk to random guys and that was it. I realize now that we could have never worked out. Not only were we too young to declare ourselves to one another, but we didn't have a full understanding of life. Love swings one way, but life comes through and blows it the other way.
From that relationship, I learned to be unselfish in my love. I learned that I can't just think about myself all the time, and that I had to consider what other people were going through. When he broke up with me, all I could think about was myself. How could he do that to me? Forget that fact that he was struggling with himself to become a man, to step up to the plate, and take care of his family. Last I heard about him, is that he is married and has a family.
Part 4 - The Soulmate
The soul oh the soul....how can someone define it. Is it just there in our minds, to make us feel better about life? The soul, according to many religious beliefs, is the self-aware essence, or consciousness, unique to a particular living being, defined as one being independent of the substance and that it survives the death of the body. The soul has no true substance or being.
Other philosophies say that there is no such thing as a soul, and that it is made up to further classify someone. Somehow this theory of a soulmate came about, and there are many reasons and beliefs behind it. There is a myth that people originally had four legs, four arms and two heads, but Zeus divided that person, leaving their souls to search for their "other half" Another theory that I read, is that God created androgynous souls, equally male and female. The souls split into separate genders later, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the earth, or "separation from God". Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.
I don't know if the term soulmate is correct, but I think that # 4 and I were destined to be together. After the abusive relationship, I had to find love in myself as well as strength. All of the men I met up until that point, were weaker, at least in my eyes. So while on vacation in the Dominican Republic, completely oblivious from the world around me, I met him. Neither one of us were supposed to be on that trip. He was supposed to go in February, but couldn't, so instead he came later with his family. And I was supposed to go to Aruba, but couldn't because I was started school in the fall. I was fresh from a relationship, wounded, hurt and of course the most hated term for females...vulnerable. What did you think would happen? I meet a man, who is not only strong physically, but mentally. He was secure with himself, and I hadn't reached that point in my life yet.
I was 18 and he was 25. I like to blame my aunt for pushing us together, but I know that there was a strong attraction from the beginning. We only had 3 days to spend together, because we met on a Wednesday, and our flights went back on that Saturday. I figured that it would be a once and a lifetime thing. I have met guys on vacation before, and it never developed in to anything. But when I got home and checked my emails, he already sent me a message.
The only problem with us being able to see each other again, was about 3,000 miles of distance. He lived in New York, I'm here in Cali. He came out to visit me that Labor Day weekend, and we started dating. 6 months of a long distance relationship, where we only saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times. And then he moved out here. My friends thought that he was crazy. They thought I was dealing with another psycho boyfriend. But things were a lot different. I was in college, and he had already finished school. We didn't have any petty bullshit to deal with, from people talking at our schools. Everything seemed to happen so fast, that now I turn around and we are only a week or so away from our 6 year anniversary.
I don't even know if I can describe our love to people, because we are so connected in different ways. We are not perfect, by far, we are completely opposite in every way possible. Completely opposite. Our love of music, connects us, our feelings about other people are different but they connect us. Our feelings for each other, are the strongest that one could have.
So how could I have grown? I learned to love myself in this relationship, more than the others, because I had someone who loved me for me. He unselfishly gave his heart to me, and accepts me for who I am. I've had to grow and mature not only in college, but with him. I know people think that you can loose yourself while being with someone else, but I don't think I lost myself. I had to look deep inside to find who I am. And I am still a different person than he is. In my past relationship I lost connection with the outside world, and in this relationship I chose to loose connection for a while.
Being saturated with the outside world is both healthy and unhealthy. You can't find love in a room full of people. Your soulmate is not lurking in bars, night clubs or even street corners. Your true soulmate is yourself. Reach all the way down, in to the inner depths of yourself and you will find it. Because my self esteem was shot to hell from the previous relationships, I would stare in the mirror to accept myself. And now I can't stop staring. I love myself, with or without my current boyfriend. But he loves me too. And I love him. I had to help him love himself to. Our love not only comforted us, but repaired some wounds we've been licking for quite awhile.
So why all of this? Why am I going so far to get my lessons out there? I think because in the end you start thinking about the beginning. It is the end, of my love in the relationship sense, because I am going to marry this person. But my love will continue to evolve, as i have children, as I write more and have books published, those will become my loves too. As we embark on business adventures and investments together, my love will continue to grow. The sky is the limit on love. And i want people to know that I am not just some silly girl in a relationship that is not going anywhere. And although people are pressuring us to get married, and have some phenomenal wedding, we have other goals and plans in mind for the moment. You only live once, and you only can love yourself once.
Do I recommend stop searching for love? Not everyone can be as successful in relationship lessons...but I say if you can learn a lesson, and not repeat it then you are the most brilliant person alive. And I do think of myself as being pretty brilliant.
MUAH!
I think many people confuse their first love, with being their true love. In my case, there is 10 year difference in my age between the two. When you're young, and you first fall in love, you don't know what do with yourself. You loose all control. My first boyfriend was my friend's cousin. He was 3 1/2 years older than us and I would go to her house every day just to see him. We talked for 4 months before we even started dating, which is good, because I like to take things slow. Everything was so fresh and new and exciting. We didn't have money to go out and do things, there were school dances, and parties. We went ice skating every Saturday, it was only $8 then, lord only knows how much it costs now. We went to the movies, only $3.75 per ticket. We just wanted to spend time together. It was cute, innocent love. I remember when we first held hands, I was so nervous. But all of those good and new feelings can be confusing when you're young. I didn't even know what love was.
But all I knew was that I wanted to be on the phone with him and talk to him if I couldn't see him. He was dealing with things in his home life, that was far beyond my current level of maturity. Both of his parents were raging alcoholics. His father abused his mother, so she left him. His father would verbally abuse him, I don't know if he ever laid hands on him, but I know that when he was in one of his drunken fits he would yell at him for no reason. When you're young and in love, you don't see things like that. You don't realize the pain another person is going to. I call the first love, a selfish love. At least for me it was. I didn't fully love my self yet, how could I, I was only 14. We dated for almost 2 years. His family moved him to Idaho, to stay with his other aunt and to finish high school.
Long distance for 2 months worked out alright, or at least I thought it did. When he came back, he broke up with me. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, and that it was time for him to start taking care of himself. See, he had taken care of his father and his family this whole time. He was not in the position to take care of me too. He graduated high school in Idaho, moved back, and got an apartment with his cousins. Of course I didn't understand, ugh, and I did the most embarrassing thing possible. Something I advise no women to ever do. I walked to the park where he was playing basketball with his friends, and sat there and cried. I looked like such a fool. Such an idiot. But that is the price you pay for love sometimes. I don't think I have ever been that heartbroken before. My heart was still weak then, still new to love then. I cried for a month straight. I think I was an outlet for him. He needed some escape from his personal life, and I was there..for 2 years. But when he moved away, and got his head cleared and looked inside himself, he realized that he didn't need me anymore. Which is fine, I helped him through some difficult times. My mother would make him dinner, because he couldn't get it at home. I was apart of his life to be there when he cried and when he couldn't stand being at home or with his family constantly nagging. The perfect escape route.
And whenever I wanted to hang out with my friend, he would be there. Talk about stabbing yourself in the eye. He started dating some old girls from his college, and I would just talk to random guys and that was it. I realize now that we could have never worked out. Not only were we too young to declare ourselves to one another, but we didn't have a full understanding of life. Love swings one way, but life comes through and blows it the other way.
From that relationship, I learned to be unselfish in my love. I learned that I can't just think about myself all the time, and that I had to consider what other people were going through. When he broke up with me, all I could think about was myself. How could he do that to me? Forget that fact that he was struggling with himself to become a man, to step up to the plate, and take care of his family. Last I heard about him, is that he is married and has a family.
Part 4 - The Soulmate
The soul oh the soul....how can someone define it. Is it just there in our minds, to make us feel better about life? The soul, according to many religious beliefs, is the self-aware essence, or consciousness, unique to a particular living being, defined as one being independent of the substance and that it survives the death of the body. The soul has no true substance or being.
Other philosophies say that there is no such thing as a soul, and that it is made up to further classify someone. Somehow this theory of a soulmate came about, and there are many reasons and beliefs behind it. There is a myth that people originally had four legs, four arms and two heads, but Zeus divided that person, leaving their souls to search for their "other half" Another theory that I read, is that God created androgynous souls, equally male and female. The souls split into separate genders later, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the earth, or "separation from God". Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.
I don't know if the term soulmate is correct, but I think that # 4 and I were destined to be together. After the abusive relationship, I had to find love in myself as well as strength. All of the men I met up until that point, were weaker, at least in my eyes. So while on vacation in the Dominican Republic, completely oblivious from the world around me, I met him. Neither one of us were supposed to be on that trip. He was supposed to go in February, but couldn't, so instead he came later with his family. And I was supposed to go to Aruba, but couldn't because I was started school in the fall. I was fresh from a relationship, wounded, hurt and of course the most hated term for females...vulnerable. What did you think would happen? I meet a man, who is not only strong physically, but mentally. He was secure with himself, and I hadn't reached that point in my life yet.
I was 18 and he was 25. I like to blame my aunt for pushing us together, but I know that there was a strong attraction from the beginning. We only had 3 days to spend together, because we met on a Wednesday, and our flights went back on that Saturday. I figured that it would be a once and a lifetime thing. I have met guys on vacation before, and it never developed in to anything. But when I got home and checked my emails, he already sent me a message.
The only problem with us being able to see each other again, was about 3,000 miles of distance. He lived in New York, I'm here in Cali. He came out to visit me that Labor Day weekend, and we started dating. 6 months of a long distance relationship, where we only saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times. And then he moved out here. My friends thought that he was crazy. They thought I was dealing with another psycho boyfriend. But things were a lot different. I was in college, and he had already finished school. We didn't have any petty bullshit to deal with, from people talking at our schools. Everything seemed to happen so fast, that now I turn around and we are only a week or so away from our 6 year anniversary.
I don't even know if I can describe our love to people, because we are so connected in different ways. We are not perfect, by far, we are completely opposite in every way possible. Completely opposite. Our love of music, connects us, our feelings about other people are different but they connect us. Our feelings for each other, are the strongest that one could have.
So how could I have grown? I learned to love myself in this relationship, more than the others, because I had someone who loved me for me. He unselfishly gave his heart to me, and accepts me for who I am. I've had to grow and mature not only in college, but with him. I know people think that you can loose yourself while being with someone else, but I don't think I lost myself. I had to look deep inside to find who I am. And I am still a different person than he is. In my past relationship I lost connection with the outside world, and in this relationship I chose to loose connection for a while.
Being saturated with the outside world is both healthy and unhealthy. You can't find love in a room full of people. Your soulmate is not lurking in bars, night clubs or even street corners. Your true soulmate is yourself. Reach all the way down, in to the inner depths of yourself and you will find it. Because my self esteem was shot to hell from the previous relationships, I would stare in the mirror to accept myself. And now I can't stop staring. I love myself, with or without my current boyfriend. But he loves me too. And I love him. I had to help him love himself to. Our love not only comforted us, but repaired some wounds we've been licking for quite awhile.
So why all of this? Why am I going so far to get my lessons out there? I think because in the end you start thinking about the beginning. It is the end, of my love in the relationship sense, because I am going to marry this person. But my love will continue to evolve, as i have children, as I write more and have books published, those will become my loves too. As we embark on business adventures and investments together, my love will continue to grow. The sky is the limit on love. And i want people to know that I am not just some silly girl in a relationship that is not going anywhere. And although people are pressuring us to get married, and have some phenomenal wedding, we have other goals and plans in mind for the moment. You only live once, and you only can love yourself once.
Do I recommend stop searching for love? Not everyone can be as successful in relationship lessons...but I say if you can learn a lesson, and not repeat it then you are the most brilliant person alive. And I do think of myself as being pretty brilliant.
MUAH!
Savvy Gal Spotlight: How to Handle Rejection
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However, rejection is unfortunately a part of life, and dealing with it head on will help prepare you for the next time it rears its ugly head. People deal with rejection in different ways, turning to other outlets such as shopping, drinking, partying or overworking. There are healthier ways to handle it and to possibly prevent the feelings of anger, fear and/or sadness.
The actual fear of rejection may also be a fear of losing control. People who are used to controlling every aspect of their life will have fear when facing judgment or a major decision has to be made by someone else, which could lead to rejection. One of the most important things to remember before facing a possible rejection is to remain positive and do not beat yourself up. Rejection can be used as a learning experience. No matter what the situation is, you can always learn from it.
Read more here:
http://thesavvygal.com/articles/2008/08/01/savvy_gal_spotlight/52spotlight.txt
And yes...I wrote this :)
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